Sacred Spaces for Stories

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“Our actual job as writers is to make the world a little more clear. A little less cluttered. A little less ugly.” – Ann Handley

In my favorite coffee shop, there are three cushy chairs by the window, organized around a low coffee table. I’m usually early enough to get my seat, the one where I can put my tea on the windowsill and plug in my laptop, and then the other chairs eventually fill up. Usually it’s two people by themselves like me but sometimes it’ll be two people together and then since they are facing me, we’re all in it together.

A while back I heard two 50-something women sitting in the chairs together catching up after a while. One was talking about her process for measuring progress on her diet, lamenting the fact that any weight gain or loss she experiences happens three days after she eats (or doesn’t), making the intervening days till the scale registers seem interminable.

She sighed and said she had a friend who was overweight and very happy. “Somedays I think I should just give it up and follow her example. She’s not sweating over everything she eats.”

Her friend replied, “No! For goodness sakes, stay the course.”

And then the first woman smiled and said, “Thank you, that’s what friends are for.”

As far as blog fodder goes, this seems like totally safe territory. I don’t know these women and will likely never see them again to report on whether the first, who I couldn’t pick out of a lineup, stayed with her eating regimen.

It reminds me of right after I found out about my husband’s (now ex) infidelities and told my friend, Bill, about the drama over dinner in a tiny Japanese restaurant with tables barely a foot apart.

I started the story with my business partner inviting me out to lunch even though we’d never socialized just the two of us. Then I showed up and he’d asked to be seated in a booth in a section of the restaurant that wasn’t open. At this point, I was on pins and needles and felt like I was going to throw up, so that when he finally started down the list of my ex’s infidelities, it was pretty awful but almost a relief from the anticipation.

Then my business partner cooked up a scheme that he’d send me an “anonymous” email with the information so that I didn’t have to tell my ex how I’d found out.

By that evening, the email hadn’t arrived and I had gone out to dinner with my dear friends, Jill and Sue, as planned before the whole drama unfolded. The business partner called to ask if I had gotten the email and I said I hadn’t. He said he was okay if I told my ex I found out from him.

At 5am the next morning when I finally opened the conversation with my ex, “Have you ever been unfaithful to me?” and he answered, “no,” the ball was rolling. His primary question was “how did you find out?”

When I couldn’t keep it secret any longer, I revealed the business partner’s role. My ex packed a bag of clothes to check into a hotel and then told me he was going to the business partner’s house. “He betrayed me!” he shouted, completely missing the irony of the comment that we were talking about his infidelity.

As I launched into the part of the story about calling my business partner on 8am that morning (which happened to be New Year’s Eve) telling my ex was heading his way to confront him, I noticed that all the tables around us in that small Japanese restaurant were silent. I didn’t mind. It seemed they all deserved to find out that my ex barged in to the business partner’s house without knocking but didn’t hit him or inflict any other physical damage. He didn’t ever forgive him though.

So maybe I ended up as blog fodder for someone else. Fair enough – I don’t mind on many levels, the most obvious one being that I shared it in a public space.

Of course, this becomes a trickier balance when we blog, talk, preach, about people we know. Talking with a fellow blogger last week, I know I’m not the only one that wrestles with how to make sure that people in my life know that I honor a sacred space for their shared stories.

I take my cue on how to navigate this from my father. Growing up as a pastor’s kid, there was a definite likelihood that you could end up in a sermon. My dad would share stories or funny things we said – but didn’t share secrets or embarrassing moments, and he had a way of making the point about what he learned, instead of ever making us the butt of the joke.

Of course, I could not write about the characters in my life at all but they are a great deal of my inspiration – for learning, laughing and, loving. So I walk the line of asking for permission and (hopefully) being gently respectful because in these post-Covid days, I don’t often hear conversations in coffee shops.

For more about creativity, please check out my Heart of the Matter post this morning, The Creative Rhythm and subscribe to that blog as well! The theme for the month is creativity so there will be great inspiration to be found!

(featured photo is of my kids telling me secrets)

68 thoughts on “Sacred Spaces for Stories”

  1. No one that i know reads my blogs, so I seldom worry about that, but the column I write for our local newspaper is different. I always ask permission first, or change the name to protect the subject. Your story of the Japanese restaurant reminded me of a meeting, post separation, with my philandering ex. Divorce negotiations were not going well. He asked me to meet at a local coffee shop. He wanted advice about his current girlfriend (the one he left me for) and offered $25 k to dissolve the marriage. I stood up and stated that I was a compassionate woman, but I could not advise him on the woman that put us in this predicament and also that after 17 years and a mortgage free home (where he was still living), $25k was not going to cut it. The coffee shop exploded with applause. A triumphant moment.

    Liked by 9 people

  2. Your accounts of the rawness of your conversations with your business partner and (now ex) husband were riveting, Wynne. You touched on many themes: unwanted public exposure, the human love of gossip, betrayal, lack of self awareness, and more.

    And, for the first time, you raised the image of possible indictment of those who have fallen off their diets! Good to know you wouldn’t be able to pick them out of a lineup!

    Liked by 5 people

  3. It really is tricky trying to determine what’s fair game for a blog. Like VJ, no one I know in real life reads my blog, which allows a bit more freedom. I like your dad’s approach of avoiding share secrets or embarrassing moments–those shares that could feel like a betrayal of trust. Oh, and I can just imagine all the heads slightly turned in that Japanese restaurant… maybe there’s another account of your story somewhere out there. 😂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Wouldn’t it be interesting to read that other account of the story? I bet it would have been filled with more wisdom and perspective that I had at the moment and worked years to find… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I love what Erin just said about ‘other accounts’ of your Japanese restaurant experience…and VJ’s story of applause from the unintended audience. Thinking about “audiences” is such an important topic to consider — both as we’re out in the world and our readers here on WP. I love your candor and sharing, Wynne. I think you’ve figured out how to do all of it well! 🥰

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, dear Vicki. It’s a tricky subject, isn’t it? It wasn’t til we talked about it that I realized that my dad walked the line too. It never bothered me but I could see how it could rankle. Thank you for your lovely comment. 🙂 ❤

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  5. I love the quote at the start of this post, Wynne. By sharing something personal I do think it provides clarity. The human side of our stories, especially from times of trauma, show there is a way through to a different life.

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    1. Wow, Davy, you put your finger exactly on where I was try to go. Thank you for adding this to the conversation and my thinking. We can show there is a way to a different life – right!

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  6. Wow, that really says a lot about your ex, that he was more concerned that he’d been betrayed by the business partner than the fact that he was unfaithful to you. I’m sorry you had to go through all that.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks, Rhonda! It’s all water under the bridge now. Had I picked up the key part at the time that you did – that it was always going to be about “his betrayal,” I could have saved myself the time where I tried to work it out, but I learned from that too. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. We’re so in love with love that we blind ourselves to the threads of truths that are there the entire time, don’t we? We want everything to turn out for the best, so we put up with so much.

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  7. Once again, I love how you write about your father. So wise, so smart. I’ve definitely walked this path writing about others. It’s not an easy thing. You want to show the humor, but what I think might be funny, might not be to someone. Throw in my sarcasm and sometimes it can be a tight walk. I love writing about my interactions with my kids, because they always teach me something new, but I do worry that I reveal too much. I try to ask them as often as I can if they mind. It seemed like your dad managed that walk better than most. Love the honesty too that you write about your ex and your former business.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Such a great point about humor, Brian. Right! And I think you point about asking as much as you can – a good one that I take in as something I’ll need to do more and more with my kids.

      And writing about my ex and my business partner — it’s all funny to me now but it was hard-earned perspective. Might as well share it in case it helps someone else… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. When someone says or does something that inspires me to write, I try to look at the bigger picture, so I’m not making my writing about that person. Sometimes it takes a while to write a post with that approach, but it helps me to de-personalize it!

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  10. I think we can all relate to those overheard conversations in public places- especially the loud phone convos that you can’t unhear! I always want to try to be honest as a blogger and I do share personal things involving my family- maybe not so much friends though who I know would be uncomfortable and who really own their own stories first and foremost. At the height of awareness I definitely will not name them but may try to find an appropriate angle to include the main points that I learned or shared from their POV. I also know that there’s another fully varied viewpoint on how much and what to share- Jane said it very succinctly! Don’t we all though, in some way, use our life and all that entails in what we write about? I think we do, rather that means flat out fact or fictionalized. What others sources do we have that are constant and dependable as inspiration?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I love your question “What other sources do we have that are constant and dependable as inspiration?” Right! And so we try to walk that balance that Jane describes. Well said, Deb!

      Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, ouch. I can imagine that would be a tough family dynamic. I was so grateful that I didn’t have kids with my ex. My gut (a God whisper?) totally me that it would be a disaster. So as much work as choosing to have kids alone has been, I’m always thankful that they didn’t have to go through that BS.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Yes, I try to remember I’m on megaphone when I’m in a restaurant! I talk loudly and need to decide if I want to be overheard. Once, my partner and I were talking in a park. A man sat down and was obviously writing down every word. So I switched to Spanish and my partner responded in kind. The man huffed in disgust and stomped away. Ha!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I like Anne Handley. I made an image of that quote and used it on a blog post not long ago. It resonates. Also glad that you got rid of the ex, seems like a very good decision on your part.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like it too. I usually keep in my notes where I got a quote but I don’t have it for this one. If I got it from you – thank you and my apologies for not giving you credit, Ally!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. This is a tough topic for bloggers, especially lifestyle ones, where we use our lives as material to go deeper into a subject. I’m constantly asking permission to write about an experience if it involves family or friends. Sometimes I have to apologize! I love Nora Ephron’s take in this, she says, and I’m paraphrasing, if you didn’t want to end up on my book, you should have behaved better! Hugs, C

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m laughing about Nora Ephron’s line – you should have behaved better. Right! I’m sorry I’m slow to respond to this – WP took this comment and put it in SPAM. Now I’m thinking WP needs to behave better!

      I love your take – ask permission, apologize and go deeper!! Hugs to you, Cheryl!! ❤

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  15. I’m pretty careful what I share about my family and friends on my blog. I do talk about my daughters and their lives, but I’m careful not to overshare. They know about my blog but they rarely read anything I write anyway. Maybe it’s better that way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You bring up a great divide between real life and online life. Yes, probably better that way and still nice to be careful about oversharing as you put it so well! Thanks, Michelle!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Reading this story, one you’ve shared before, just reinforces to me and to your community how much better your life is without your ex. His reaction is almost comical if not infuriating.

    I agree with you about how to honor the sacred space and it’s one I pay very close attention to when blogging as well. I can see you take your father’s cue in treating the stories – including your children’s – with utmost respect.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love how this community has my back, Ab! You’re right – way better off without him. I never doubt that and I’m laughing about you calling his reaction was comical. It was! Thank you, my friend!

      I love how respectful you are of T’s stories – I love the cues and learning I get from you in that respect!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Thanks Wynne for the story that is so personal and has so much to teach us. I really appreciated it.

      Thanks too, Ab. I like the notion of ‘Sacred Space’. Some conversations with friends or family, or situations they’re shouldn’t be shared -as it’s to sensitive to them – and even if I anonymise and no one they know reads it. It might make a good blog, but I would not feel comfortable. That particular part lives in a sacred space.

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  17. I once wrote a post that referenced the decline of another blogger into a serious conspiracy theorist. Of course she read it and left me a scathing comment. I think that’s one of the few times I’ve ever called anyone out. Since then, I’ve saved that skill only for people who make racist and other intolerant posts and comments. Mostly, I just pick on myself.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Life in a condo environment provides some really juicy blog fodder, but alas I do not wish to add to gossip by writing about it “out loud.” There’s a whole lot that I’d like to say but don’t, for obvious reasons. I’d hate to be tarred and feathered on my own home turf!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I’m laughing about your home turf. I’d bet that you would never be a candidate for tarring and feathering on any turf…because you are wise!

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  20. What a story Wynne and told with such grace and insight. Honouring the sacred space is so important in all relationships. You’ve touched on many human themes here. Honouring the sacred space stood out for me. It unfortunately wasn’t allotted to you in your marriage, but guess what you’re making that happen for yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh my goodness, Alegria – I never put that together that my ex didn’t honor my sacred space. Wow, how interesting that you connected the dots for me that way. Thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

  21. I really don’t consider anything off limits on my blog (though in fairness, there have been a couple of times when my mom has questioned my blatant openness).

    Thank you for sharing that story. It can’t have been easy to go through. I know from firsthand experience myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry you had to go through that too. But I consider Team MarTar and think thank goodness it did (I mean that in the best of all ways and I’m pretty sure you’ll get my drift.)

      Probably a sign of your happy and optimistic heart that you consider everything fair game but treat everyone that I’ve heard you mention on your blog with fairness and good humor.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, there’s a post from a few years back about all my exes, and it’s a little less gracious than most. 🙂

        And, I totally get it. Tara and I were both trapped in bad marriages, and we thank our lucky stars all the time we got out when we did.

        Like

  22. Reblogged this on Mitch Teemley and commented:
    My Featured Blogger this week is Wynne Leon of Surprised by Joy. Wynne is an optimist who is “charting her own path.” She’s also a single mother whose children regularly show her “what it is like to be so fresh from the Source and unapologetically human.” Wynne considers her blog a sacred space, and it shows. She exudes trust and transparency, and inspires others to do the same.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. If people don’t want to be written about they should go find friends who are willing to play the “some truths I will turn my back on and ignore or deny, either for your convenience or my own” game.

    This world’s full of those.

    For some reason, though, it’s the writer they choose (read the last word twice) to stay near.

    Might it be qualities like honesty, transparency, moral cleanliness, courage and conviction to which they are attracted?

    Then why are they trying now to change them?

    If they don’t like what’s written they can change or refute it. It’s not up to me to redact truth, but to them to live up to it. Or not.

    “Blog fodder,” my petunia.

    What am I supposed to write about? Things I’ve never personally experienced?…

    Well, that might explain the completely unrealistic state of modern literary academia.

    And, truth be told, American society at large.

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  24. This was a timely piece and hit close to home. To quote one of your readers ” You touched on many themes: unwanted public exposure, the human love of gossip, betrayal, lack of self-awareness, and more.” This reinforces why I stay anonymous. I always want to be a safe and healthy space for clients and students to speak and share freely.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That you are a safe and healthy space for client and students must be such a gift to them. Kudos to you for creating that environment and also finding ways to share your wisdom here!

      Liked by 1 person

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