Going With the Flow

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“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” – Lao Tzu

I’ve noticed something interesting with Mr. D. If presented with a household choice like what to watch for our tv show time before bed, he will insist in a vociferous way that might be spectacularly specific to being 3 ½-year-old and all the certainty that goes with it, that it needs to be the option HE wants. But if the tv is already on and tuned to something that is appealing to the younger set, he will more often than not, just meld into watching it.

As I witness this, I recognize this same trait in myself. When I’m presented with a choice, I find it necessary to make it MY choice and am involved with it in a very discerning and egoic way that is likely to result in anger or disappointment if I don’t get it the way I want. But if something just happens, I can adapt to whatever it is without my thought or much bother.

Case in point – I was going out to dinner this past weekend with a group of people I’d rounded up after I remembered that it’s okay for me to sometimes get a babysitter and have grown-up time. When it came to picking the restaurant, one of my friends suggested one and I looked at the menu and thought, “Oh, this doesn’t sound like what I want to eat for MY night out.” I suggested something else that was nearby and that was fine with everyone.

But had I gone to a friends’ house and they served me the food that was on the menu I objected to, I likely would have eaten it, or not, without much thought. I would have been grateful for the warmth, company, and work that they put into it.

Which makes me wonder how I can cultivate that flexibility so I’m more in the flow of life. Because when it comes down to it, I do better when I admit that steering the big picture of life is beyond my pay grade. Then I can save my energy for just “being” with life and not trying to bend it to my will. Sometimes what is served up by the Universe is the usual banality and routine. But sometimes I’m surprised by joy and delight in things like the other day when in the middle of a busy day, I answered the phone, and it was a friend who I hadn’t spoken to in five or six years just calling to say “hi.”

And that’s what I try to do for Mr. D as well. Sometimes he has the unfortunate experience of having to go along with the boring chores of family life. But when he’s flexible and going with the flow, I try to surprise him now and again with an activity like a bouncy house that is beyond what he would have thought to have ask for – just to plant the seed that when we let go of control, sometimes the result is being open to what is beyond our limited expectations.

I’m not sure if the reminder is for my son or myself, but hopefully it works for both.

(featured photo from Pexels)

44 thoughts on “Going With the Flow”

  1. It is interesting, Wynne, how our internal resistance creates so many blocks in our lives. I like the Lao Tzu quote. Creating flow in our mind can help to reduce this resistance. Is this an ageing thing? Children seem so much at better at riding the ebbs and flows of daily life.

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  2. I hear you. I like to be the ‘decider’ like Mr. D but I’m learning as I get older, there is a weight that comes with that — even if it’s only a decision about what to watch on t.v. or where to eat dinner. Decision fatigue, I think. Leaning back and letting others drive is such a gift…even for me…the original Very Picky Vicki. 😘

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  3. I have always been highly indecisive–I don’t want to pick something that others wouldn’t like, I don’t want to make the “wrong” choice. I think the behaviors are two ends of the same spectrum, and I’m also trying to work towards that center-point, that balance between decisiveness and flexibility. I love this: “when we let go of control, sometimes the result is being open to what is beyond our limited expectations.” YES!!! 💕

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    1. I really like your point about the behaviors being two ends of the same spectrum. Wow – that blows me away. I hadn’t thought of that – but I think you’re right! Balance is key to so many things, isn’t it? Just like with self-care! Thanks, Erin!

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  5. Good grief, Wynne. You have packed so many goodies into this 526-word blog (yes, I actually did a word count) that if unpacked, would fill an entire book. As the youngest of three, I learned to bury my wants beneath those others because I was never consulted. Hence, to this day, I am aware that decisions—big and small—that affect me and which are made without my input can ruffle my feathers if I allow it. I am learning to be the observer, not take it personally, and watch for signs of pouty ego behavior that get in the way of my peace of mind. How wonderful that Mr. D has a mom who is so aware of his feelings and behavior, and takes it all into account. Yay you! What a lucky little guy he is to have you for his mom. Miss O, too!

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    1. I agree about never being consulted as the youngest of three. Me either! But I hadn’t put that together with my pouty ego (so well-said) until you just mentioned it. Right!! And then as you say so well, it gets in the way of peace of mind. So true!!

      Thank you for the lovely comment and affirmation, Julia!! Sending you a peace-filled day!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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      2. Anything interpreted as profound or thought-provoking is in direct proportion to the generous reader. ❤ ❤ ❤

        Now that I type that, it should be a disclaimer on my site… 🙂

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  6. A challenge with some children is to civilize them without breaking their spirit. With others it is the job of encouraging their capacity to take on civilization. Your kids seem to have spirit, Wynne. And, of course, you do as well.

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    1. An interesting way to put the challenge, Dr. Stein. Yes – to find that balance feels like a never-ending task but one that matters. Thank you for reminding me of that in the best way!

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  7. Hi Wynn. I have a really difficult time making decisions. Sometimes about the silliest things. I’m not sure what it is. I would love to let go and just go with the flow. I’m trying to find a balance right now of accepting myself as I am, but also, knowing that I am capable of change. But old patterns are hard to break. It can be done. I do believe that. I find the greatest healing takes place when we cultivate a silent mind. In meditation, or when we simply observe creation without judgment. Thanks for sharing your insights. 🙏

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  10. I try to remind myself to “trust the process” but some days, or some issues, are still worrisome to me. Go with the flow, but maybe know where the flow is taking you first?

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    1. I’m with you on that, Ally. I still worry about that flow which ALWAYS is too slow for me. 🙂 But I try to limit it to just what’s immediate for me and when I screw it up and get way out front, remember to return. Like with Mr. D – I can get all “what’s this going to look like when he’s 20 and insisting on only his shows?” and then I remember to just coach him through now. Sheesh – life! 🙂

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  11. Might this entail learning to refine the *I want what I want* choices into a *let’s see where this takes me* attitude? Case in point- my recent visit to CO. While there was nothing that I really HAD to do I did toss out a few close by ideas and let them sit as options. I know Alison felt like she wanted to help me have opportunities to get out and see more of the state. What I really wanted was to see her and Chris and to try to connect more with them so I just let myself see where things went and I benefited in the end! On the flip side of this concept of control that many have mentioned in the comments I also think that we often believe we want something when in reality we really have no idea. Maybe that’s a habitual reaction when given the opportunity to choose? I don’t know really, but personally control is about trying to suppress fear and I’m not always sure what that fear really is…

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    1. I love your example of going with the flow with Alison and Chris – and how it worked out.

      And your comment about fear is so right on – we might not know what the fear really is so perhaps controlling it will help — it’s an endless cycle. I think for me also as the youngest of 3, I fear no one caring what I think so I better jump in and dictate when I have the chance. Great comment – makes me think about this more deeply!

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  13. I have found I have the opposite problem, with my family. This weekend they came up for a visit, and it was to be my choice of a restaurant. Honestly, I’m okay with anything as long as people are happy because I like so many types of foods. For me, the gift was being with my family. They, however, wanted me to make the decision. My daughter was recently diagnosed with Celiac, so choosing a restaurant with gluten-free choices that are interesting to her is more important for me. When she mentioned “Old Spaghetti Warehouse”, I said yes to it, but they were concerned that I’d like it. I had to spend quite a few minutes convincing everyone that I love that restaurant! LOL!

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  14. We continue to learn so much from our kids and looks like you daily routine with Mr D opened you open to just going with the flow.

    You’re so right the act of making a choice often can be ego driven and if we sometimes let go of the need to control, we open up ourself to being surprised by joy. Or at the very least, not being so stressed out by it all.

    Happy almost mid week, Wynne!

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  15. Whoa, what an interesting viewpoint, one that I never had before that I now have. Perhaps this is in line with the acceptance advice that so many mindful gurus seem to preach. Maybe the trick is to see life itself as a TV that’s constantly on, so that it’s easier to accept what comes.

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    1. Love how you put it, Stuart! “the trick is to see life itself as a TV that’s constantly on, so that it’s easier to accept what comes.” Yes, if we could do that, maybe we’d be better able to go with the flow! Thanks for a great comment!

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  16. I’m still trying to learn to go with the flow. I tend to want answers quickly and I try to manage most things which really is just silly! While being decisive is my normal go to, I know it’s best to let go and lean in.

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  18. I rarely do spur of the moment, I have to weigh up the pros and cons – spend time mulling over something.
    Last week, I did something uncharacteristic at a chain type cafe – I would usually just take something from the cabinet – but lass handed me a menu. I looked at what I could “eat” saw they had burgers – chose the one with less extras and added chips! It was wonderful, and I ate every thing – of course the burger had to be “broken down” as my mouth is not that big!

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