The Give and Take Problem

Posted in friendshipTagged , , ,

“Alone we go faster, together we go further.” – African Proverb

For my birthday six months ago, my brother and sister-in-law gave me a voucher for taking care of the kids for two nights. I haven’t used it yet because I’m saving it up. I’m not sure for what but it’ll be big. For example, if some great opportunity to spend the weekend with the love of my life (not yet found or looked for), I want to have that voucher in my pocket to use.

This uncovers what I think is a flaw in my default mode. I tend to think of relying on others as “using chits.” For a project a couple of years ago when I was replacing the tension coil on my garage door, my mom suggested that maybe I should get my brother to do it. And it was a good idea but I thought I’d give it a try first so I could use my “chits” for something that I couldn’t fix.

In this way, I’ve learned to be very self-reliant. And I value that. But I’ve also become increasingly hardened against needing others. I’ve forgotten that needing others isn’t a bad thing.

This is probably no surprise to anyone reading this. After all, this might be exactly how I came to choose to have children on my own. While on the practical level it was because I hadn’t found the right partner and time was running out, it’s probably healthy to admit that I have some work to do on being inter-dependent on others.

I’m thinking about this because of the gift giving that goes on this season. We have to be as good at receiving as giving. It reminds me of a great post that Todd Fulginiti wrote: Helping Others: Can You Dish It Out But Not Take It? He made the point that receiving with gratitude feels good. It doesn’t make us needy, it makes the other person feels like they’ve given something of value.

I know when I find the love of my life, I’ll need to drop that independent shield to be vulnerable. And I bet my brother and sister-in-law will be so thrilled that they’d happily take the kids whether or not I have a voucher.

(featured photo from Pexels)

(The quote for this post came from a post by my lovely Wise & Shine colleague Cristiana Branchini on her blog Appreciating the Differences)

74 thoughts on “The Give and Take Problem”

  1. I hear you, Wynne. What a lovely, reflective post. What you described — it IS such a good feeling – the ‘by our own bootstraps’ sense of accomplishment, having the courage with a can-do attitude. I can be that way…a little lone-wolf-ish…and I know in my situation the compulsion to be self-sufficient comes from disappointment…trusting in others who’ve let me down across the great expanse (LOL) of my life. Not one moment, but many…and when strung together, collectively, I’m pushed toward independence in all things. I’m learning, though. When I ask for help, I get it (for the most part) but I need to remember to ask. If I’ve made good decisions about the “who” in my world, there’s less risk. xo to you! ❤❤❤

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Oh, I love your wisdom to make good decisions about the “who” and then there’s less risk. That is brilliant – as always! Like you, I find when I ask, I usually get it so I should be able to learn. XOXO to you!

      Liked by 2 people

    2. I can relate to what you’re saying Victoria, I’ve experienced those things too. Like you I have learned it’s important to discern who is safe to ask for help and who I shouldn’t.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “We have to be as good at receiving as giving.” I can relate so much to what you’ve shared here. I always prided myself on being the one that went out of my ways to help others. People could count on me, and their gratitude felt so fulfilling. But accepting help in return was always so hard! It took several years of chronic illness before I learned to accept help and not sacrifice my own well-being for the benefit of others. By that way, what a wonderfully thoughtful gift from your brother and sister-in-law! My best friend has a two-year-old, so I’m now thinking she might appreciate a day of babysitting.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. What a lovely comment – and gift idea for your friend! I can imagine how chronic illness would reshape your willingness to accept help. And hopefully we all can learn from that so we can accept it with or without illness. Thank you so much for reading and commenting, esoterica!

      Liked by 3 people

    2. What a generous thought! If I may suggest a shorter time frame, to allow your friend to get out and “adult” without a child around, but not a whole day which could deplete you too much?

      Liked by 1 person

    3. Hi esoterica, this sounds similar to my journey as well. I’ve always been the responsible and consistent one, and I enjoyed it. But, now being chronically ill, I’ve learned – and like you, it’s been hard-that it’s ok to need help, to accept help, and to sometimes bow out as needed and not feel guilt and shame because this. Thanks for sharing and Happy New Year!

      Like

  6. Well said, Wynne. A topic that comes to mind too rarely and relates to self worth and what is entailed in friendship. The best comment I have ever heard on this broad subject came from a friend who was making the point that one needn’t keep score with respect to reciprocity: “Buddies don’t count.”

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Just to be clear, my friend John meant that buddies don’t keep score. I am sure you got it, Wynne, but sometimes this is misunderstood.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Everyone in the comments so far has been spot on with their impressions, thus I have nothing to add except to say that I fully understand and admit that self-reliance is commendable but so is graceful acceptance when help is offered or asked for.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for calling attention to the misplaced comment Wynne. I would have missed it entirely. As you mentioned Boxing Day the irony is that I was watching the news a bit earlier and they featured a reminder about the tradition! I knew it was British and was reminded that it originally began with the aristocracy recognizing their staff and servants. The twist now, in 2022, is that it has also become synonymous with after Christmas sales. I wasn’t sure it was possible to commercialize the holiday more, but apparently I was wrong! Yes, I will be glad to send you an email in a bit. Starting some laundry first 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Another enlightening post, Wynne. It reminds me that helping others provides a soul-satisfying experience of the highest order, and that many feel honored to be asked. Your post gives me pause to wonder why some of us (myself included) are so reluctant to ask! Hmm…..

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I love how you mention that it feels like an honor to be asked. That is so true! And yet we hesitate to ask. So weird! But since you feel it too, I know I’m in good company! ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  10. “I’ve also become increasingly hardened against needing others. I’ve forgotten that needing others isn’t a bad thing.” Oh boy, did you nail it with this, Wynne. Accepting help is hard for me. Asking for help is damn near impossible. I am getting better at it, though, and you are too, I’m guessing, because your self-awareness is high.
    Thank you for sharing this 💜

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Maybe asking in another language is easier? I’m glad to hear that you are getting better at it because it gives me hope for myself. Thank you, Natalie! ❤

      Like

  11. Todd Fulginiti’s point, “…receiving with gratitude feels good. It doesn’t make us needy, it makes the other person feels like they’ve given something of value” rings convictingly true Wynne.
    We can all recall with a satisfied smile times when we helped others in need, but I suspect it’s our self sufficient subtle pride that makes us reluctant to accept help from others, and in so doing we deprive them of ‘satisfied smiles’. It’s tough being human sometimes 😊
    Be blessed lady.

    Liked by 4 people

  12. I hear you on this. I love giving gifts but don’t often think about receiving them. The hubby and I have for many years not given each other gifts but made it an effort to do so recently to role model to T the importance of giving gifts too and to receive them with gratitude.

    You’ll find the love one day Wynne and May you enjoy the endless blessings of receiving as well.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. So many wise answers here, and as usual, you have woven 2 complex threads of thought expertly together.

    Why save that coupon for something that could elusively remain in the future? Maybe 2023 is the time to think about a little getaway for yourself? Time for a little introspective retreat?

    Asking for help wasn’t a good thing to ask from some people, as both my daughter and I found out the hard way. Not everyone is able to give without strings attached, and mostly they extracted a strong emotional toll. However, discovering a few select people we can ask for help from: it is a wonderful feeling. Along the way we have become very capable of quite a few things, thanks YouTube videos!! LOL

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Such a great point about receiving from people that attach strings. Yes, an important distinction and discernment in regards to the people in our lives. And I’m laughing about YouTube – it is a powerful learning tool!

      You’re right about the coupon for something tangible instead of saving it for the elusive. Great suggestion, Tamara!

      Happy Boxing Day!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Oh man, I have soooo much work to do in this area. I think being able to receive (be it gifts, compliments, or whatever) with grace is an art, and it’s one that I sorely need to cultivate.

    I’ve wondered at times if pride isn’t at the root of my wanting to be dependent. But regardless, I’m a million times better at giving than receiving. As you can tell, your post really resonated – in a right between the eyes sort of way! 😊

    I needed to hear this, and you delivered the message with a transparency that made it easily receivable. Thank you, Wynne! 🤍

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “in a right between the eyes sort of way” – aren’t those the best (or maybe the worst)?! 🙂 I love that you call receiving with grace an art. That’s a wonderful way to put it. Thank goodness we can all practice learning it together – I feel like I’m in great company!!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Asking for help is a gift for both parties,Today I spent time watching my friend’s children, while she went after Christmas shopping (gift for her). I got to hear first hand from her children how Christmas day was for them, and of course see all the new toys (gifts for me).

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Hmm, a few thoughts. First, I think this calls for you to taking advantage of your brother and sister-in-law’s wonderful offer to watch your kids . . . not because something great like the love of your life has showed up, but just because – you deserve it! You don’t need a reason to take care of yourself.

    Secondly, I’ve been thinking a lot about your statement: “I’ve also become increasingly hardened against needing others. I’ve forgotten that needing others isn’t a bad thing.” I’m not sure you’re giving yourself enough credit. As a single parent, you’ve had to tackle things on your own. Yes, yes, you need to be more willing to accept help, but let’s be honest, as a single parent, you have to tackle a lot. You should be celebrated for that, not doubted. I can only imagine the challenges you’ve overcome. It’s a tough job and you handle it with optimism and positivity. God bless you!

    Just my two cents. Wonderful post Wynne, thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Those are generous two cents. Your second point makes me think. I always assume that since I chose to become a single parent, I don’t get any grace since I went into it knowing I’d have to tackle a lot. So I really appreciate the lovely grace you have offered here. Thank you, Brian.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You love your kids, right? You feed, house, and teach them right from wrong, right? Why should you not receive the grace that every parent, whether on their own or with a significant other, needs and deserves? You’ve earned that right!! Hope that helps!!

        Liked by 1 person

  19. “In this way, I’ve learned to be very self-reliant. And I value that. But I’ve also become increasingly hardened against needing others. I’ve forgotten that needing others isn’t a bad thing.” Great advice!

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Thanks for the affirmative reminder that all life’s full of balances ~ something easy to forget when we’re aiming hard for one of the extremes! We can overshoot that balance entirely if we don’t stay open to adjustment.

    It will become easier to receive as fewer give without material or emotional strings attached.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Lovely post, Wynne!
    Firstly, kudos to you for being very self reliant.
    I feel asking for help when needed, from the right people is not a sign of weakness. Because all of us need a handful of true friends who will drop everything and come to our rescue when we need them. And, vice-a versa.
    Happy Holidays!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I think you are right on with that “handful of friends.” Yes, those type of friends are such a blessing in life.

      As are you, Chaya! Thanks for commenting, adding your wisdom and I send you all my best for 2023!!

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Giving and receiving are both something not everyone can do. Though people give and receive all the time. One has to open his heart to give and receive completely. We actually bring joy to the one who gives because giving anything from the heart is always joyful. We also feel joyful and loved when we receive anything with open hearts. But most of the time people do it in a calculative manner. I loved reading your post and wish and pray you find your love of life soon and give and receive love with an open heart!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. So reflective…makes me check myself properly because I can be guilty of this.

    Always ready to help others but unable to rely on others for my needs when I can’t meet them. I’ll always find a way to meet my needs or settle for another option that doesn’t involve others.

    Over burdening others for your need can be an issue too but then being too self reliant and refusing help can also be an issue on its own.

    Thanks for this, very insightful 🙏💯

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. You describe the balance between the two so well. Yes, I suspect it’s an ongoing adjustment for many of us to keep working on. Thank you for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Thank you for sharing!!.. more often than not we have to play the cards life dealt us and we often follow the mind, instead of the heart, and look at the gift, not at the giver and the thoughts behind the gift… I usually follow my heart on such matters, rarely go wrong.. we can be with others and not depend on them…. 🙂

    As for finding the special someone, “You don’t love the person you can live with, you love the person you cannot live without” (Author Unknown), and “While you are looking for that perfect person, you may overlook that imperfect person that would make you perfectly happy” (Author Unknown)… 🙂

    Hope you and your family have a wonderful New Year filled with peace, love, happiness and life is all that you wish for it to be and until we meet again… 🙂

    May the love that you give
    Always return to you,
    That family and friends are many
    And always remain true,
    May your mind only know peace
    No suffering or strife,
    May your heart only know love and happiness
    On your journey through life.
    (Larry “Dutch” Woller)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love your wisdom to follow your heart on such matters, Dutch. You are so right, we need to look at the giver and the thoughts behind the gifts. And great quotes about love. Maybe I’ll tape those up somewhere when I’m ready to begin and stay focused.

      Wishing you all the best in 2023! Thanks for reading and your always kind and encouraging comments!!

      Like

  25. So you’ve received a 2 nights of “solo being” – what about a weekend retreat at a spa or something similar where you just “refresh your soul” OR take a weekend of some interesting workshop that you’ve never done before…”more refresh your soul”

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I’m really impressed by your independence and do-it-yourself-ability, though. Being married, I’ve found myself asking Hubs to do stuff that I could probably do myself, but, he’s there, so, you know, I ask him to do it, like squishing the spider on the ceiling or unplugging a toilet. For the record, I still prefer him to get the ceiling spiders, but whenever I do unplug a toilet myself, I feel like a total rockstar. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And you are a rock star for unplugging the toilet!! Although rock stars probably don’t even have to unplug their own toilets. But that’s beside the point.

      I think it makes complete sense and is a lovely practice to ask another to do things — I just need to get better at it… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Ooohh, now that you’ve provided me the visual, I don’t want to get them up there either! 🙂

      Reminds me of a shirt that my friend Eric got Mr. D for Xmas. It’s an “Indiana Jones” shirt and it has a hairy spider on the back. I’ll text you a pic. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.