High Expectations

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“Things are always in transition. Nothing ever sums itself up the way we dream about.” – Pema Chodron

Yesterday I delivered a presentation on mountain climbing to Miss O’s class at school. My friend, Doug, who I’ve done a lot of my climbing adventures with, joined me and we had a talk filled with pictures, a lot of equipment, and stories. We also had the most enthusiastic audience of second graders (Natalie, Chaya, Belle and all the other teachers out there, hats off to you for years of being teachers to these young and energetic minds).

Miss O had been so excited all week. She’d told me and her teacher that she’d written “best week ever” over her mood meter assignment. And then when Doug came to stay the night before the presentation and we started packing our climbing gear, she extended that to this was going to make 2nd grade the best grade ever!

So it surprised me when Miss O had to step out of the room to collect herself in the middle of the presentation. Through teary eyes, she told me that she felt that Doug was bypassing her when he handed out all the equipment. Which might have been true to some degree since she’d handled all the stuff the night before.

But I think it was more that her expectations were SO high. And I think she had a picture for a part that she’d play in the presentation or how it would reflect on her that didn’t quite match to reality. She modeled my climbing parka but mostly she was a participant.

This reminded me of every big occasion in my life – parties, birthdays, holidays, presentations – I’ve always felt a let down when they passed and I was still the same person afterwards. All that looking forward to something and then I’m still me with my same life when its done.

I’m projecting here because these aren’t the words Miss O used when we talked about it later but I think it’s a fairly common experience after we look forward to something. As Pema Chodron says in the quote for this post, “Nothing ever sums itself up the way we dream about.” There’s a mismatch between how we imagine in and how we experience it, and more than that, there’s an exhale after its done and before we find the next thing to look forward to.

At the end of the presentation, I told the story of friendship brownies. It was the climb that Doug and I were doing and we were climbing on Doug’s birthday. His wife asked him to carry some brownies to celebrate and he said “no” because he’s vigilant about only carrying what’s necessary. So she asked me and I said, “Sure” because we sometimes carry weight for our friends when they can’t or won’t do it themselves.

Miss O passed out the friendship brownies to the class and so it all ended well. Then she asked me to tell the story of the guy who was dancing with his toilet paper and I think those 2nd graders might have liked that one the most! Hard to tell whether ending with potty stories meant we ended on a high note or low one but the audience, including my delightful daughter, was pleased.

32 thoughts on “High Expectations”

  1. Oh what a story! I can understand Miss O feeling letdown, it happens to all of us, poor kid. But considering your audience I will say that I think you ended on a high note talking about TP!

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  2. Of course you’re right, Wynne. I am sure Miss O will learn to manage her expectations. I do think, though, the anticipatory joy of the future can sustain us for a while. And, as your blog’s name tells us, we can be “surprised by joy.”

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    1. Your comment brings up for me that I might prefer being surprised by joy than to expect it. But you are also right that anticipatory joy is sustaining too. Thank you for this lovely comment, Dr. Stein.

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  3. What an awesome experience! I’m sorry Miss O struggled a bit, there’s probably more to unpack with her regarding what she imagined would happen. She’s heard about your adventures, knows they’re very much out of the ordinary, and the halo effect of being close to someone else’s “fame” could have affected her in the way that she was hoping she would be seen as being extra special being the daughter of a mountain climber. Maybe she wanted to be the special helper? Hard to say with kids! Of course, potty humor wins the day, every time!

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    1. Oh wow, this is such an insightful comment, Tamara. The halo effect makes a lot of sense as do the special helper. You’re right – a lot to unpack. And of course, potty humor wins the day! 🙂

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      1. The reality of not seeing your specialness rub off onto herself that day may have been very sobering. At home, she is central in your universe, while at school she may have felt the shift of being just one of the crowd to be too much to handle at that moment, even though logically she probably understands.

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  4. The glimpses of your personal life that you share with us are so rich, Wynne; thank you for sharing them. Learning to rest in the “is-ness” of the “now,” without wanting to change it is definitely a skill set. I’m so glad that Miss O, and Mr. D, have you to help guide them along their journeys. I still can find the false “i” trying to say, “hey, wait a minute, this should be THIS way–not that;” but it becomes easier.

    I’ll definitely be looking forward to your next post. 🙏

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  5. What an endearing story, Wynne.
    Miss O is such a caring and sensible girl. Her tears could have been from feeling overwhelmed with the anticipation, the preparation, and the excitement, joy, and pride of having her mother in the classroom.
    Congratulations on your successful presentation.
    Have a great weekend.

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    1. Oh, that makes so much sense too – the overwhelmed feeling. Yes – it all bubbles over sometimes, doesn’t it? Thank you for chiming in and adding this nugget of wisdom from all your years with this age group, Chaya!

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  6. The reverse here is to never allow ourselves (kids and adults) to have expectations or anticipate grand outcomes out of fear that everything will fall short anyway. I wouldn’t recommend that to anyone though. It’s exciting to anticipate happy moments and events and a normal process that reflects human nature in general. I feel confident that we all have let the build up be far greater than reality at specific times in our lives no matter our age.

    I think Miss O showed a keen perspective to turn the day around for herself. As the only student to be aware of the TP story she had the opportunity to be a part of the star group in her own way and share something that she knew her friends would love. That is one aware little girl Wynne!

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    1. What an insightful comment about how Olivia was able to suggest that story, Deb. Makes so much sense!

      And I love what you say, “I feel confident that we all have let the build up be far greater than reality at specific times in our lives no matter our age.” Yep – I’ve done that and still do!

      You are so right that it’s better to have the let down than to guard against anticipation. I’d choose it any day!

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  7. So sweet…and I agree with all the anticipatory thoughts…such a rush when you’re so full of expectations and I suspect pride and admiration…Miss O being so proud of her mama. In the end, brownies and potty talk save the day, per usual. 😉 Thanks for sharing with us, Wynne!

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    1. I love that you named the other feelings that were in the mix. I always feel like I get so much insight from you and the other comments – makes me a better mama and a better person! Right, it’s a big mix!! Thank you, my friend!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  8. I love this, Wynne. Your story is one we can all identify with, both in terms of special event after-effects, and expectations in general. The way you handled it with Miss O was beautiful. Namely, helping her identity her feelings. That’s something we can learn from as well. 🤍As to the ending, potty humor for the win. 😃

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    1. Potty humor for the win – perfectly said, Kendra. What I love about this thread is that you all help me to identify and name my feelings. What an awesome community! Thank you, my friend!

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  11. Sometimes, the build up is too much and we inevitably feel let down when the big moment finally arrives.

    But I took away two things from this story: How deeply immersed and engaged and invested your children are in your stories.

    And how you were able to pivot and adapt on the moment to validate her feelings and to let her continue to participate in the presentation.

    Sounds like a win to me!

    Hope you all have a great weekend ahead. I’m ready for bed and it’s only 8 over here.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hadn’t seen those take-aways so thank you for offering those up for me. What a gift you’ve offered, Ab! As always, I appreciate you.

      Hoping you all get some rest and relaxation this weekend without any Grinches or wrinkles! 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤

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