Finding What Hurts

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“I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.” – Haruki Murakami

Last week, 3-year-old Mr. D had a lot of objections as we were getting into the car to go to preschool. “I don’t like those boots.” And “I don’t want to watch that on my tablet.” And “This isn’t the arm I put into the seat belt.” And “It’s too sunny.”

As I responded to each of the objections, I finally got the a-ha – it wasn’t any of these things that was really wrong. It was that he didn’t want to go to school. He’d been having fun with his sister at home and didn’t want to stop.

It adds to my long list of how confusing it is to be human. First, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what is going on with us. In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown cites a survey that she gave out in workshops asking people to list the emotions that they could name as they were having them. “Over the course of five years, we collected these surveys from more than seven thousand people. The average number of emotions named across the surveys was three. The emotions were happy, sad and angry.” Which is stunning that out of our nuanced ranged of emotions, we have trouble identifying many of them at the time we are having them. But I can affirm that it’s almost always on reflection after the fact that I have any emotional literacy.

Secondly, as friends, parents, partners, we try to respond to what our loved ones tell us that is wrong. And as I found with Mr. D, it’s an exercise in frustration as we solve problems that aren’t the problem. It’s like putting a band-aid on the knee that isn’t scraped – a little waste of resources that don’t stop the bleeding.

And finally, because accurately describing the wound is the key to healing, we have to keep unpacking the distractions and figure out what’s wrong. Only then can we hold ourselves and each other for what really hurts and matters. Only then can we find the meaning behind what is happening and as the quote for this post from writer Haruki Murakami suggests, it helps us to bear the pain.

So I left the boots off, turned off the tablet, got him settled in his car seat and we just talked on the way to school. About how sometimes we don’t feel like doing what we have to do and sometimes we just have to look forward to the next thing and it’ll carry us through. He wasn’t convinced but he wasn’t fussing. Then we were able to move forward into the day.

40 thoughts on “Finding What Hurts”

  1. Your kids are very blessed to have a parent who helps them understand their emotions. In a way it doesn’t surprise me that so many adults have difficulty identifying their emotions, for we don’t encourage people to feel theirs in a healthy way, but alcohol (think, “it’s wine o’clock”) is promoted as a way to kind of numb out instead of needing to sort through everything. Getting “comfortably numb” is so common, it’s our socially accepted way of dealing with our feelings.

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    1. What an insightful comment, Tamara. Yes, we numb out and then never up our ability to identify them. I can relate to many years of doing that. Thanks for adding that wisdom! Hope you have a great Monday!

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  2. Thanks for sharing another great post, Wynne. Mr. D. is truly fortunate to have you for his mom.

    I don’t mean this sound overly mystical, but it can’t help seem that way: I once knew a caterpillar that was concerned about all of its duties and how to relate to challenging circumstances, until it realized it was a butterfly and left the caterpillar’s issues behind. 🙏 For humans, this is often referred to as the “pneumatic initiation.”

    I’ll definitely be looking forward to your next post!

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      1. Thank you, Wynne. I’m not sure if you’re aware of it. The term first entered my consciously awareness through a book entitled “”Jesus and The Lost Goddess,” by Timorthy Freke & Peter Gandy.” Most persons are living from the “hylic” perspective–basically the body. Next level up is the psychic, which, of course, is mental. Beyond that is the pneumatic leve (like air, or spirt), in which Awaken and realize a higher dimension–true Self.

        Wishing you a great week!

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  3. Thanks for sharing, Wynne. Mr. D IS a lucky little dude (as R. Arthur Russell said). Figuring out what hurts isn’t as easy as it seems. We’re such a soupy mess of emotions. Teasing out the culprit and tending to it? Complicated! “Unpacking the distractions”. Indeed. Love that. xo! ❤

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    1. Soupy mess of emotions – so well said, Vicki! Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have the patience to do the work with myself – much less my kids but I’m finding that it’s paying off over time.

      Thank you, as always, for reading and adding your wisdom!

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  5. I liked your message here and it made me think about how important it is to ask questions. Clarifying what is really expected, what is the big concerns possibly can lead to compromise and avoid conflict and misunderstandings; even resentment.

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    1. Such a great point about conflict, misunderstandings and resentment, David. So often those come out of this confusion. I’m so grateful you added that wisdom to this discussion!

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  7. “ It’s like putting a band-aid on the knee that isn’t scraped – a little waste of resources that don’t stop the bleeding….”

    This is very wise insight, Wynne. As parents of young kids, we often need to do detective work to get to the real root cause of the issue. And it sounds like you’re so in tune with both Mr D and Miss O. Good luck to you all as you transition back to school!

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      1. Thanks Wynne. We are milking it for every moment. We have a camping trip this Labour Day long weekend before school starts. I’m in denial how quickly it all flew by!

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  8. I think that’s why we need to extend grace to others and ourselves until we can get to the root of the problem. Anger is usually a cover up for emotional pain. I have found in my life control can be the cover up too and have found myself trying to control situations to avoid pain. It may take awhile to identify what’s behind our behavior in ourselves and others but it’s the healthy path. Wise words and great post, Wynne.

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    1. Extend grace – what a wonderful phrase to capture what we need to do. And you are so right – for ourselves as well as for others. It is the healthy path. Thank you, Nancy!

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  9. Boots … tablets … car seats, childhood preparation primers to the adult hurts that little Mr. D will encounter someday. You’re preparing him well Wynne. Keep on keeping on mom!

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  10. Putting the bandaid on they knee that isn’t scraped. What a great analogy. How wise you are to dig beneath the kvetching to search for the truth of what the real problem is. Another lesson you are teaching your children just by being who you are. What a good role model you re for them.

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  11. What a lovely post and that quote is phenomenal 🤯 I just had a similar thought only moments ago in the shower. That if me being miserable because I can’t find a love partner was somehow serving a greater purpose, I could more easily endure it. For instance, it’s helping me grow, or my suffering will somehow help others in my future, etc. It’s the seemingly needless suffering that feels so hard to bear. Anyway I’m not sure this 💯 relates, but I’m not sure it doesn’t. The quote really validated these meandering thoughts so at the very least, thank you!! 💖

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    1. Oh, I love this comment, Libby. I think it totally relates. Especially when miserable is made up of so many things (frustration, impatience, expectations), at least speaking for myself. And then each one of those things when we can address the hurt has a little bit of a different lesson/bandage. And then yes, if it drives us to be open to some other person or search that gets us where we’re going – it has meaning. I’m rambling now – but I hear ya, sister!! Here’s to it leading to someplace!

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      1. Girrrl, not that I’m glad you relate to my feelings of misery but you just named my pain (frustration, impatience, expectations), so thank u again! It’s nice to lean on each other even if we’re two blind bats who have no answers…yet 🤣 🦇🦇

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  15. “He wasn’t convinced but he wasn’t fussing.” Sounds like what my husband, the lawyer, says about many formal negotiations: sometimes neutral is the best you can do. Well done, Wynne

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  16. Wow – it really is stunning, as you said, that we have such trouble recognizing our specific emotions when we are having them 😱 Great story too about the adventures of trying to deal with the root of the problem instead of the symptoms!

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