The Confidence to Be Wrong

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“There is no better test of man’s integrity than his behavior when he is wrong.” – Marvin Williams

My dad was a very good apologizer. He had a favorite quip, “If you have to eat crow, eat it early when it’s tender.” When we sat down to talk in-depth when he was in his late 70’s, in what turned out to be his last couple of years before he died suddenly in a bike accident, he readily admitted his mistakes without defensiveness or blame.

For instance, in the 1980’s, the Presbyterian church adopted the rule not to ordain gay ministers and my dad went along with that policy in the churches he led. When I talked with him about it in 2012, he said, “I was wrong.” He didn’t try to hide behind the policy of the church overall or explain it away because the fear about AIDS at the time.  He told me, “You learn in ministry that you move to the problem, not away from the problem. When a problem arises, that’s the same issue you mentioned with procrastination. When an issue arises, you jump in and if you are going to get beat up, get beat up right away. Don’t wait til later. If you have to apologize and ask for forgiveness, do it quick.”

But I hadn’t put together his willingness to admit he was wrong with confidence until Dr. Gerald Stein put it together for me in a comment he made on the Airing the Wounds Out post. He said, “Confidence and acceptance play into the surrendering of the desire to rebut every criticism.”

The confidence to be wrong. The ability to lean in to what we haven’t done well and try to do better without contorting ourselves in all sorts of unnecessary shapes in order to try to avoid the blame. It seems to work on two levels.

The first is to lean in and keep us open to life. Our spiritual traditions speak to this idea. The Roman Catholics have confession. The Buddhists talk about egolessness as explained by Pema Chödrön,

“In the teachings of Buddhism, we hear about egolessness. It sounds difficult to grasp: what are they talking about, anyway? When the teachings are about neurosis, however, we feel right at home. That’s something we really understand. But egolessness? When we reach our limit, if we aspire to know that place fully – which is to say that we aspire to neither indulge nor repress – a hardness in us will dissolve. We will be softened by the sheer force of whatever energy arises – the energy of anger, the energy of disappointment, the energy of fear. When it’s not solidified in one direction or another, that very energy pierces us to the heart, and it opens us. This is the discovery of egolessness. It’s when all of our schemes fall apart. Reaching our limit is like finding a doorway to sanity and the unconditional goodness of humanity, rather than meeting an obstacle or punishment.”

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

I was in my mid-20’s when I cheated on the guy I was dating. When I eventually broke up with him, I didn’t tell him the truth when he asked if there was someone else. It wasn’t until 4 years later when he sent me an email that I finally told him. It didn’t make us fast friends, but it finally made us honest friends. I didn’t have the confidence to be truthful right away because I wanted so much to be liked and I did a lot of damage to us both in the meantime.

Which is a segue to the second part, to do it quickly. That’s advice that is also common in the high-tech world as a business strategy called failing fast. It refers to the strategy to identify ideas that don’t work quickly before you get too invested in them. It works because one of the things that undercuts our confidence is rumination and overthinking. When we get caught up in the cycle of second-guessing and reviewing where we went wrong, we move out of action and into our heads. Authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman explain:

“Failing fast allows for constant adjustment, testing and then quick movement toward what will actually work. The beauty is that when you fail fasts, or early, you have a lot less to lose. Usually you are failing small, rather than spectacularly. And you have a lot to gain from learning as you fail.”

The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman

As I discovered from watching my dad, it takes a lot of courage to be wrong. But when you can do it well, it actually builds confidence because we do it quickly, stay open and can move on.

This is my 7th post on confidence. The others are:

I Can

Fear and Confidence

Growth Mind-set

Bossy Pants – Confidence and Leadership

No Name Calling

Speaking Up

(featured photo from Pexels)

49 thoughts on “The Confidence to Be Wrong”

  1. This is so relevant and meaningful to me currently. I’m aware of how confusing things become when we continue talking to ourselves based perhaps on false assumptions and misunderstandings. Communication is key isn’t it – when we are able? It’s hard to take criticism on the chin for me unless it’s combined with one or two positives but I try to be less defensive. Still learning at 73!! 🙂 Perhaps not being too hard on ourselves enables us to accept external criticism more easily?
    Questions and more questions.
    Your Dad seemed to have got there 😊

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh, what an interesting point you make, Margaret. Perhaps not being too hard on ourselves enables to accept external criticism more easily indeed. I’d also add that in the Confidence Code, they mention that women especially have a harder time with external criticism because we tend to ruminate on it – so anything that gets out of that cycle helps. I love that you are still learning at 73 – if we are learning, it must mean we are living, right? Thanks for this great comment, Margaret!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Good advice and thank you for the reminder to remain confident while working through what doesn’t work! The failing fast method is such a good way to get unworkable ideas out of the way quickly..

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I agree about failing fast – so much easier to move on when we haven’t invested too much in it. Whether it’s a tech idea or a story about what we’ve done wrong, better to move on quickly! Thanks for great comment!

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  3. I think it also helps to be able to separate our thoughts and actions from our core selves. Just because I did something wrong or believed something that was wrong doesn’t mean that I am wrong/bad/unacceptable/etc.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. YES! Thank you for sharing that, Ashley. I am working through this right now. My mistakes do not have to define me. I am not a bad person, even if I have done a bad thing. And I like following this up with what Wynne has written here… own up to it quickly and make amends.

      Liked by 3 people

      3. An interesting comment, Grace. Because I bet none of our friends define us by the mistakes we’ve made and yet we often do that to ourselves. I love Ashley’s comment too – and yours for saying if we own it quickly, it might be easier to move on.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Coincidentally, the entire July 24th “Opinion” section of the NY Times includes columns in which each one describes his or her own wrong positions on major issues in the last several years. Worth reading.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Another great post, Wynne, and although it may seem as though I express that often, or lightly, I assure you that I mean it. Your father sounds as though he was a wonderful wise man. I found myself nodding about the issue of apologzing quickly and honestly admitting our mistakes (lessons) when we have made them. I was so fortunate to have been taught the same way of behaviour by my wonderful parents. I learned the lesson young, and for the most part have been able to live by it.

    I can, however, admit to knowing of occasions when my ego got me in its clutches and “i” lied to protect…what? The phantom, who pretends to be the real “I Am.” It’s so much easier to let go of pride and get back on a healthy way of expressing the Greatness that we actually “Are.”

    Your posts are very rich and give all of us a lot to consider. Thank you! 🙏

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for such a lovely compliment, Art! You are right, my dad was a wonderful and wise man and your parents seem cut from the same cloth.

      And I agree – when we let go of pride a move into egolessness, it is way easier and healthier. Thanks for a great comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I had a difficult time coming to the place of feeling comfortable with admitting I had made a mistake or was wrong because I had been so severely criticized, that it had been deeply internalized, so it seemed that by admitting a mistake, I was also public admitting I was a loser!

    It took a long time to learn to separate those 2 concepts, that just because we make a mistake doesn’t automatically mean we’re good for nothing! A huge lesson in self-worth and self-acceptance!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh, what a deep and wise comment, Tamara. I can imagine those wounds ran deep and it must have been so natural to stay in that groove. But as always, you are so amazing and inspirational for your growth and ability to move beyond – both the trauma and our natural defensiveness to want to not own our stuff. Thank you for sharing your deep and wise lessons!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you Wynne! For me, the way to move passed those old pains was to teach myself to like myself! When I learned to love myself I wasn’t seeking outside approval since I had learned to give it to myself and to receive it from myself.

        I believe that this is possible for others too, but it does take time to accomplish.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And it’s such foundational work. Somehow we learn to read and write and often no one teaches us to like ourselves. You are right, possible but time-consuming (and maybe just a lifelong lesson)!

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  8. Your dad was so wise and it’s great that his lessons continue to inspire you.

    I loved his crow reference because it’s so true. Ego often gets in the way of everything – and withholding the truth in an apology doesn’t do anyone any good, including the person that it eats at.

    We have so much to learn about gaining the confidence to be wrong!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You get right at the heart with this comment, Ab. Yes – withholding the truth in an apology doesn’t do anyone any good. Exactly! And we know it even if we don’t admit it. Yes. Thank you for this great addition to the conversation and inspiration for me!

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  9. Great post. I wish I had learned at a younger age that failing doesn’t make me a failure. I’ve gained incredible strength and confidence when I’ve admitted my mistakes and sought out positive ways to move forward. It’s freeing in many respects. It gets rid of the shame. Thx!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Right – it gets rid of the shame. Yes – that is so true. We never know all the things that hold us back when we don’t and as you say so well, we gain so much strength and confidence when we can own things and move past. Such a great comment – thank you, Brian!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. This post is incredible. I’m TERRIBLE at being wrong and sometimes it’s really hard for me to admit it. It’s something I’m working on. Yet when other people admit that they we’re wrong to me… I’m a flooded with relief and the healing can begin. I need to do better and this is an amazing reminder to humble myself

    Liked by 2 people

  12. “…It didn’t make us fast friends, but it finally made us honest friends…” I’d rather have 1 honest friend to 100 fast friends Wynne.

    Selfish pride’s fear of our true self being exposed and rejected makes transparency difficult. We’re as inwardly conflicted and spiritually sick as the secrets we choose to keep. The genuine love of those rare honest friends we trust enough to be totally open sharing our hidden self’s secret with provide the needed healing and freedom no fast friend can ever offer.

    Be blessed lady.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a deep and wise comment, Fred. Yes, we are as spiritually sick as the secrets we choose to keep – especially the worst that we try to keep from ourselves. I so agree with you about honest friends! Thank God for grace and for those friends!

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  14. Very wise. It seems a lot of issues these days have to do with the difficulty people have with accepting they are wrong when they are confronted with information that challenges their views. If we could all be a little more humble and curious, I think modern society would be a lot more cohesive.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. More humble and curious – what a great prescription for all of us. I think you are right that we would be more cohesive! Thanks for reading and commenting, Natasha!

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  15. What an honest and meaningful post, Wynne.
    Your dad was a wonderful human being. What a rich legacy of wisdom you have inherited from him.
    I find so much depth and self search in all your posts. Kudos for making every post thought provoking and a learning experience for me.
    Love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What an amazingly meaningful compliment, Chaya. Thank you!

      I have a post in my head somewhere about how I implemented a money lesson after being inspired by your post about your kids saving for their pig figurines. Somehow I didn’t quite get that lesson right for my kids yet but I’m working on it!

      Which is a long way to say, I’m inspired by your posts as well. I feel so fortunate to have connected with you on this platform!

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    1. I agree, Rebecca – much less painful than if it goes on too long! As with a lot of my dad’s lessons, I understand them more as I get older. 🙂 Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

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