Patience To Stay Open

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“Fear wants us to act too soon. But patience, hard as it is, helps us outlast our preconceptions. This is how tired soldiers, all out of ammo, can discover through their inescapable waiting that they have no reason to hurt each other. In is the same with tired lovers and with hurtful and tiresome friends. Given enough time, most of our enemies cease to be enemies, because waiting allows us to see ourselves in them.” – Mark Nepo

I have a friendship that is in trouble. When I ask my friend questions about herself, she doesn’t answer but instead redirects the question. This is change in our 10+ year friendship. I’m not sure the cause but I’ve supported my friend and her husband through some difficult issues so my suspicion is that it’s more important to her to have a seemingly friendly relationship where I remain “on her side” rather than an authentic one where she has to tell me what’s bothering her or what I’ve done.

Just writing about this makes me a little light-headed. Because it touches on the divide between barely living and living barely. That is to say, I spent too many years barely living when I pretended that life was great and I buried all suffering deep down. Then I discovered that living barely, trying to keep the thinnest possible covering between my heart and the world actually lets more things in and more importantly, more things out.

But just because I want to try to live without pretense doesn’t mean my friend can right now. And what I understand from my tentative attempts to open a space between us to speak is that she isn’t ready to talk.

So I’m trying not to break things in my impatience. To declare the friendship over because I can’t stand the uncertainty or to insert a defensiveness because I don’t understand. Or to assume or imagine anything.

My dad told me of a group of olive farmers he met who owned a prime piece of land in a contested part of the world. Even though they had a deed of property they were regularly hassled by local soldiers. They developed a motto, “We refuse to become enemies.”

That phrase has stuck with me of a reminder that no matter what the other side is doing, we can keep open the channel of our hearts. The motto tells me that we can be in conflict without stirring up that fear within.

When something reminds me of my friend, I’ve found that instead of ruminating on the problem with all the dark alleyways of anxiety I can say a quick loving-kindness chant: “May I be happy, may you be happy; May I be at peace, may you be at peace; May I be loved, may you be loved.” It helps keep me from closing down.

What do you do when things aren’t going well with a friend?

(featured photo from Pexels)

38 thoughts on “Patience To Stay Open”

  1. Hello, Wynne. Thank you for sharing another amazingly rich post. The insights that you share are incredible; there is a depth within you that is saying, “I wil be expressed.” Yes, I’ve had friendships that have gone sideways over the years, and some that have been lost; but in the process, I have also gained. I’ve gained a version of “Art” that no longer feels that his responsibility, only, to ensure that the friendships keeps sailing, even if it caused uncomfortable situations. Now, I’ve learned to detach when necessary and that it’s also okay to stand up for my perspective, while mainting the utmost respect for the friend–whether apparently lost or not.
    I’ll be looking forward to your next post!

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  2. Hi again, Wynne. Another thought regarding the situation with your friendship came to me, and I wanted to share it: Is it possible, even likely, that you have outgrown the friendship? That is not meant as a judgement of either you or your friend as being better or less. On a metaphysical level, apparent things and events gravitate together or drift apart for reasons that many may not understand from a cause and effect level. Your growth evolution as a single parent is certainly one that demands growth. Just a thought….

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      2. Yes, it is an excellent point and question. It’s possible and single-parenthood has definitely changed my friendships in many ways. I assume that whether or not my friend and I re-acquire any depth, it is my path to refuse to not be enemies. Which doesn’t mean that I have to pursue the friendship but that I can maintain my respect as you say so well in your comment. Thanks for taking the time to comment and add your perspective and experience to this thread and my thinking!

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    2. Beautifully explained!
      I can relate to, “Now, I’ve learned to detach when necessary and that it’s also okay to stand up for my perspective, while maintaining the utmost respect for the friend–whether apparently lost or not.”
      Best wishes.

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  3. Wynne, I’ve been in difficult life situations where I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with my friends, and vice-versa. After a period of time, we felt comfortable opening up to each other. Sometimes difficult things happen in life or within a marriage that people don’t feel comfortable talking about for a while.

    Friends are great, but we’re still individual people, and we don’t owe each other speaking about difficult things until we’re ready. It’s not a sign of disloyalty, but the reality of trying to cope with difficult things. Sometimes for the sake of our sanity, that’s all we can do at that moment.

    I have come back to friends who were very understanding of my needing my distance at times, and vice-versa. We all come with pasts and baggage, which can affect our abilities to handle difficulties that come up in vastly different ways.

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    1. Many excellent points and perspective, Tamara. I know I’ve been in those difficult situations too — and in them, I didn’t feel comfortable speaking to myself! 🙂 Yes, some friendships can handle those gaps in closeness and I think it’s my practice to stay open while my wait. At least that’s why I’m aiming for… 🙂 Thank you for your wise comment and experience!

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      1. Listen to your gut! If it says to be patient and wait, then do that! Likewise, we know in our hearts when something is over.

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  4. Thought provoking post. I often will let the individual know I am here if they need to talk, or just meet up for a walk, or watch a movie together because sometimes the best conversation does not come with words, but through comfortable interactions. I also learned to give space, and only outreach when something reminds me of the individual. I want them to know I am still thinking of them, and if no response over time (six months to a year). I let the friendship go. Some people are only in our lives for a season or a chapter, and that is okay cherish the memories, and the things you learned from them.

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    1. Such a great comment, MSW. What a great practice to reach out when something sparks the thought – and to stay open or let go. So true that some friendships are meant to go the distance but I hope that the openness that “refusing to be enemies” brings lets them end neither prematurely nor acrimoniously. Thank you so much for weighing in and adding your wisdom!

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  5. We cannot know the other fully. I have friends who can talk openly and in depth and those who can’t. I am still learning about myself, the latest version. We are all frail creatures. The humility of your reminders to yourself, Wynne, your effort to know yourself, and your attempt to respect differences captures most of what we can control. Not all friendships survive either the friends self knowledge or the lack of it.

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    1. Oh, your point about what we can control hits me right in the heart, Dr. Stein. Thank you for articulating the thing that I hadn’t found words for. Yes, not all friendships survive – so true!

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  6. I’m sorry that you are going through this with your friend. How blessed you are to have had 10+ years of friendship and how wise you are to recognize the underlying issue of your current situation.

    I think lasting friendships often go through a rough patch and a mutual commitment towards an honest resolution, rather than pretend everything is ok, often helps it endure further and through time.

    I wish you and your friend well in navigating through the storm that you are currently in! 🙏👍

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I like your phrase “lasting friendships” – boy, that distinction matters a lot. Yes, those do go through rough patches as we grow – and often at different paces. But you are right, that a mutual commitment towards resolution is often necessary to help a friendship endure. Thank you for weighing in with this wisdom and perspective – so helpful!

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    1. The interesting thing about your story is that I’ve been going through a similar situation with a friend of mine, so this really speaks to me. The only difference I can see is that she let’s her boyfriend control her reactions to the point that she has mostly cut me out of her life, and her son as well strangely enough. She will talk to me, and like your friend she stays on the superficial almost awkward, and when I tell her exactly the problem, she makes excuses. It’s like we went to completely different wave-lengths on our thinking and we used to be in sync. Thanks for sharing, Wynne.

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      1. Wow, myicanstory, I’m sorry to hear you are going through this too. Yes, it’s odd when things get out of sync. I must say that I’ve loved all the comments on this post and there are so many great ideas about how we can outlast the storm! Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  8. I’m sorry you are going through this Wynne, and I hope you and your friend can find a path that allows you to remain close. I am one of those who has not learned patience in this regard and have a truly difficult time in situations like this, typically finding myself stepping away and then about things like blame, fault and the friendship and it’s meaning to begin with.

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    1. I can so relate to your comment, Deb. I have historically just stepped away too. It’s so much easier than the uncertainty. I’m hoping that trying to stay patient is a gentler way through it whether we stay friends or not so as to avoid the questions you mention. But we’ll see – it’s a hard practice! Thanks for weighing in with your perspective and wisdom!

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  9. A thought-provoking post, Wynne.
    I believe that “People come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.” That includes close, long-standing relationships too.
    When my friendship is in trouble, I try different approaches to find the cause and work towards a mutually satisfying solution.
    I have two close friends who tell me twhen they need to be left alone to to work out things going on in their lives and that they will call me when ready. I respect that, as I know where I stand and don’t waste time worrying that I may be the cause of my friend’s troubles.
    But, if my friend is having a hard time sharing or is unable to do so, or I have no more solutions, I believe though painful, detachment, waiting patiently, or giving space to that friend are my only options.
    Best wishes

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love your close friends that tell you when they need to be left alone! No wonder they are close friends – they share a same quality of awareness and thoughtfulness that you exhibit, Chaya! And your list of solutions – yes, yes, yes! Well said! Thank you for adding your experience and wisdom to this post and my situation!

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  10. This is an important question for many of us. When this happens – and it does – I try to back away and give us both some space rather than put a very longtime friendship in jeopardy. It’s not always easy, but it’s usually worth preserving the friendship in some form at least.

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    1. Such a great comment, Jane! Yes, not easy but worth preserving – so well said. If I just end the friendship out of my own impatience, there is nothing to preserve! Thanks for chiming in with your perspective and wisdom!

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  12. “We refuse to become enemies.” . . . difficult at times, but the olive farmers have it right Wynne. We have but one enemy who forfeited his friendship with God and now insidiously delights in the contention of pitting us against each other.

    An old preacher (actually older than me ) once told me, “To live above with the people we love, that will be glory. To live below with the people we, that’s another story.” 😊

    You have my prayers lady for his wisdom to hopefully resolve your relationship with your friend.

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  13. This post is incredible Wynne! I’ve had that same issue with friends before and I’ve ruined them because I put my foot in my mouth rather than being patient. The olive farmer story is something that will stick with me now. Thank you for this insightful share!

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    1. That’s exactly what I’ve done too, LaShelle. I’m trying something new this time and I’m glad you like the olive farmers too. Such an interesting motto. Thanks for reading and chiming in so I know I’m not the only one that acts or talks too quickly! 🙂 ❤

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  15. There is so, so much in this that I so deeply relate to, I don’t even know where to start. I guess I will say, then, the first thing this brought up for me with where I’m at.

    A few days ago, I realized I’m trying to do what Pema Chödrön calls “getting ground under my feet.” To get ground under my feet always comes at a cost; typically, the cost is a closure of my heart. What I read here is a willingness to keep your heart open and not have ground under your feet here. This is a heart-touching thing for me to read right now.

    Actually, there is one other point worth mentioning here, now. On Monday. I had some positive, important feedback I wanted to give on something. I couldn’t get the words out the first way I tried, or the second. The third way–directing it to someone else–worked. I didn’t get why until yesterday afternoon, when I described it as a “vulnerability bandwidth” issue. I feel so vulnerable in so many spaces right, I just could not add this to the mix–even though the feedback was positive! It was very vulnerable feedback, even so, and so … I wonder if maybe your friend might have some overall vulnerability bandwidth constraints showing up here? (After I found these words, I was like, hoo-boy, this issue has been showing up for me for ages! Glad I finally know what it’s about, phew …)

    So many thanks for this soul food, Wynne!

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    1. Wow, Deborah – you have said so many meaningful things here. I love how you tie this to Pema’s teaching. Yes, this is keeping the heart open even though it makes me feel ungrounded. Yes!

      And your vulnerability bandwidth insight is brilliant. I think you might have just named something that was outside of my awareness but so very real. Thank you, my friend!

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