Where Does The Spark Come From?

Posted in psychologyTagged , , , , , ,

“At the center of the being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” – Lao Tzu

Cognitive and Computational Neurosience Professor Anil Seth related an experiment from about 50 years ago on a Ten Percent Happier podcast that caught my attention. In the study, participants, who were all male, had to either walk over a low, sturdy bridge or a high, rickety bridge over a raging torrent. On the other side of the bridge was a female researcher who asked them some questions and then gave them her phone number in case they had any follow-on questions. The outcome was that many more of the male participants who had walked over the rickety, precarious bridge phoned the researcher to ask for a date or talk to her after the fact.

Anil Seth summed it up as “The interpretation of this ethically very, very dubious experiment is that the creepy walk across the rickety bridge misinterpreted their physiological arousal caused by the scariness of the bridge as some kind of sexual chemistry with the female researcher.”

The point that Anil Seth was making is that our emotions, whether it is fear of a snake or chemistry with another person, often start in our body and then are interpreted by our brain instead of the other way around even though it appears that our brains are running the show. This matches the metaphor presented by psychologist Jonathan Haidt in his book The Happiness Hypothesis of the elephant and the rider. The rider is our conscious mind and the elephant is everything else – our sensations, subconscious motives, internal presuppositions. We think the rider is in charge but that’s only the case if the elephant agrees.

This reminds me of a recent conversation I had with a couple of friends about online dating. I tried online dating about 10 years ago after my divorce and before I decided to start a family on my own. I dutifully filled out the surveys that catalogued interests and personality preferences, wrote the essay and subsequently met a number of nice men. In fact, my friend Eric was someone who I met online and we became great friends after deciding that dating wasn’t right for us.

It seems to me that online dating asks us to essentially name what we want – and that we don’t know what we want. We can’t quantify the mystery or adrenaline or whatever else it is that causes us to feel attraction. Of course from there, a committed relationship is a decision as much or more than a feeling but for that initial emotion, it seems might come from the body as it did in the experiment that Anil Seth described.

Unfortunately, codes being what they are these days in Seattle, I can’t think of any rickety bridges either to cross or to stand on the other side of. 😊

What do you think of online dating? What about the idea that emotion starts in the body and is interpreted by the mind?

(featured photo was taken by me in Nepal on the trek to Everest base camp in 2001)

41 thoughts on “Where Does The Spark Come From?”

  2. What you’ve written is consistent with a growing body of research. It explains much about the way we behave, though most think they are the rational exceptions to the irrational rule. One piece of dating advice derived from this knowledge is to plan a first date experience to be full of excitement. This increases your chances that your date will attach her stirred emotion to you, even though it derives from a roller coaster ride.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m laughing about the plan for a date. Oh boy! I once went a date with a guy who took me to a murder mystery play. It didn’t work. 🙂

      And I love what you say that we all (or most of us) think we are the exception to the irrational rule. Indeed! That’s the rider thinking they are in charge, right?

      Like

  4. I have so, so much to say on all this, it might take me a few days! In the meantime, I’ll simply say I’m tickled by the timing of this post, which coincides with so much already on my heart (and, subsequently, in my mind 😉 these days.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love this video Ashley and that you found me a rickety bridge high up! Funny thing is that I think I crossed that one and one of my guides at the time looked just like a young Brad Pitt. I could have so easily fallen in love… 🙂

      Thanks for making my day with this video!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, the follies of online dating… if only people were actually able to fill out their profiles honestly! Many aren’t self-aware enough to do so, making the process more hit and miss!

    Liked by 5 people

    2. Agreed! Very true. We have a friend who went through a painful divorce a few years back. Once he got back on his feet he told us he filled out an online profile as truthfully as he could. We tried to be supportive. I think that beyond what Tamara has said about people’s lack of self-awareness, I’m not sure how much we know about what makes a good match between people: is it common goals? Common background? Something completely different?

      But to end on a happy note, just a couple of weeks ago he sent us a photo of his engagement. A year to the day he met his new love through the dating site! I’m not sure if this is proof of anything, or that even a broken clock is right at least twice a day? 😛

      Liked by 2 people

      1. What a great story! Maybe it’s proof that love works – no matter how it starts. Yay! And maybe as much as the things you suggest about what makes a good match we need to factor that timing matters too. Thanks for adding this story to the thread, EW!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I like to think that the universe works things out for us, and can arrange the most amazing things. This is indeed a wonderful story, with a happy outcome!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I come from a time when newfangled ways of dating were just getting started and there was always a creepiness factor associated with all of it. I still hold onto that idea- plus I have no desire to put myself out there anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment reminds me of the movie Singles (I think that was the name of the movie with Bridget Fonda that was filmed in Seattle) and the one character that was doing video dating. I know what you are talking about when you say the creepiness factor. I still would much prefer meeting someone at work, through friends, even at a bar (if I ever went to one) or crossing a bridge. 🙂

      Like

  8. Scientists are discovering and understanding more about the brain / body connection. Some of the older theories, like right side / left side brain function, is being superseded. I think the secret is to appreciate the emotion is there and act accordingly. Another thought provoking post, Wynne.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Things that make you hmmmm…..this post resonates with me and you’ve given me some homework to think about.
    Re: online dating, I too am fortunate to have made some great friends from it. My boyfriend is someone I met when we were 18. We are now 47, both separated from our previous marriages and 3.5 years strong together😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, love hearing about you and your boyfriend going strong! Funny that you met all those years ago and such a lovely story. Interesting to hear that you found some good friends online dating as well. Thanks for reading and chiming in!

      Like

  10. Ten years ago a woman in VA hit ‘Send’ instead of ‘Delete’ to an E-Harmony query from some strange ole dude in Alaska, and today they’re still happily married . . . sometimes it works Wynne . . . although at times I wonder is she contemplates she shoulda’ hit ‘Delete’ 😃

    Liked by 2 people

  11. That is a truly fascinating social experiment, Wynne.

    Online dating is such an interesting new world, especially now that it’s essentially navigated on devices that sit in the palm of our hands.

    So much more for misinterpretation, assumptions and miscommunication. And also just more hurtful actions like ghosting.

    It’s not to say it’s a fantastic medium too. But definitely one that requires more savy and some luck to navigate!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I have enjoyed both this post and the comments. I wish I could articulate something interesting about on-line dating but I really have no experience. It was becoming a “thing” just as my husband and I started dating twenty years ago (we met the old fashioned way, in a bar 🙂 ). One of my closest friends met her guy through an on-line dating website though. She went out with quite a few toads in the beginning but then met a man she made a meaningful connection with. I thought it was neat how she knew a bit about him before ever meeting… his job, some of his hobbies, his personality (they spoke on the phone several time before meeting). This is starkly different than an accidental meeting out in the world, where you may or may not have a misguided impression of someone based on a first encounter. Very intriguing stuff! Thank you for the thoughtful post, Wynne! Have a great day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What an interesting comment, Grace. You are right – we might totally get it wrong in our first impression of someone in-person. And I love that your friend found love in on-line dating. I think it does take practice and willingness to be vulnerable — but so does the other way! Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Online dating? Oh, boy. I’ve had more experience there than I care to admit…with predictably disastrous results all around! One example: the chain-smoking grandma with a dragon tattoo who misplaced her car in the parking lot, forcing us to walk around for half an hour in the pouring rain at night trying to find it…only to finally realize she parked it in an adjacent lot.

    I have so many more. I should probably write a book someday.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m reading Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss and am finding it to be more a psychology book than a book about negotiation. In fact, because I’m interested in psychology, I got Psychology for Dummies from the library but returned it, as I’m getting far more from this “negotiation” book instead. Anywho, it said something about emotions controlling the thoughts, so that aligns with what you’re saying here. It also suggested what we already know, that emotions are sometimes not to be trusted. Our brains know better, but sometimes the emotions are louder. :/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, that sounds like a great book. I’m going to check it out – thank you for mentioning it. And great point about the emotions not always being right. So true! Thanks for reading and leaving such a great comment, my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Oh, and funny about you on the other end of the bridge. Teehee. As far as online dating, I told God long before I met my husband, that online dating was not for me, so He had better have a different plan. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.