Proving the Positive

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“One moment can change a day. One day can change a life and one life can change the world.” – Buddha

The other day I took my kids to an outdoor shopping center. They’d been excited for three days because I said we could go there to visit the one store that makes honest to goodness cotton candy. Not the stuff you can buy prepackaged on shelves in the grocery store but a machine that spins a cone of it. I don’t like cotton candy but my daughter wanted to try it so I agreed she could if we got the real stuff.

On the way to the cotton candy machine, my kids were playing in a fountain and my daughter put her face down to lick the water. “Arghh” I said, “Don’t drink the water. It isn’t treated and probably has dirt, bird poop and maybe worse. It could make you sick.” She stopped but two minutes later she made the same motion and I had to stop her again. “Listen” I said “I know as a kid you are programmed to test the limits, but this is one where you need to believe me. Even if you don’t drink it, your little brother is going to see you, imitate you and he might actually drink it. So you are just going to have to trust me and not drink it.”

I could see the wheels of her 6-year-old brain working. She was thinking something like
“I’ve never tried it so I’ve never gotten sick. How can I know what Mom is saying is right?”

There’s no way to prove a negative. If we don’t do something and it the consequence is avoided, how do we know what didn’t happen to us?  I heard an interview once with Matthew Weiner, the creator of the TV series Mad Men, and he said the show’s driving philosophy was actions have consequences. But what about inaction?

What if we don’t do the work to deal with our internal BS so we can see others more clearly?

What if we don’t write the letter to a sick friend?

What if we don’t go out of our way to compliment or help someone?

What if we don’t put the grocery cart back in the return slot at the store?

What if we just aimed for a grade C life? Not great, not bad, just average. Would anything happen to us?

Perhaps the consequence for inaction is nothing. Nothing exciting happens, nothing revelatory occurs, no random goodness pops up, nobody remembers us. Nothing. We aren’t a hero – just a zero.

On the other hand, we’ve done acts of kindness and felt the afterglow, we’ve made the effort to reach out to friends and experienced the relationships that carry us through tough times, and we’ve done the work to clean our internal windows because we see how more light gets in. In addition to these rewards, we’ve heard the thinkers throughout human history telling us to do our work:

“Good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others.” – Plato

“Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do well.” – Minor Myers, Jr.

“When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or the life of another.” – Helen Keller

We all have our different ways of doing our best and our personal limits. But part of the we likely do it is because our mom, dad or someone else with authority told us and we believed them. Like with my daughter, there’s no way to prove the negative – what would happen if we did nothing, so we take the advice and continue to try. Thank goodness for that.

20 thoughts on “Proving the Positive”

  1. In reference to Mad Men’s actions have consequences philosophy: Inaction has consequences, too, BUT not necessarily bad consequences. Just different consequences. People often assume that doing nothing is weak, but often times it’s the strongest thing you can do.

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    1. Such a great point, Ally! And I’d say that is especially true when we are refraining from doing something that’s motivated by our anger or impulsivity. It’s hard to do nothing sometimes!

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  2. Thanks for this spot on reminder Wynne that the “What if?”s which litter our life’s path feed our regerts, and could have often been avoided by the courage to go Nike, and . . . “Just Do It!”

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  3. One way to think of the job of parenting is to civilize of strong-willed child without breaking her spirit. Welcome to that job, Wynne.

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    1. I’m laughing, Dr. Stein. You hit the nail on the head. This is why I like my full-time job to be work in my sweet spot that is challenging but in a predictable way — because my work as a parent is hard! 🙂

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  4. One thing I learned as a parent and now as a grandparent, is that often kids need to learn the hard way. They won’t always believe what we say, nor should we expect blind obedience from them, otherwise they will grow to be very timid. The trick is in stepping back to allow them to experience some consequences which won’t kill them but be uncomfortable, so when we tell them not to do something they have a frame of reference to go on. Sometimes I’d say to them, “Ask me how I know this!” and then tell them a story of when I did exactly that thing and what happened as a result. Sometimes they did it anyway and we’d talk about it afterwards.

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    1. I love this perspective, Tamara. And saying to them “Ask me how I know this” is great. I’m totally borrowing that for my tool bag.

      I think I’m pretty good at giving space for them to learn their own lessons. I really do expect that they’ll push boundaries and am okay with them learning that way. However, the water pushed my buttons – if they get sick, there’s a very real impact on my ability to work and we’ve had too much of that this spring. And I have to say – once I said it the second time, my daughter respected that, maybe because she has latitude on a lot of other things.

      But you are right – they have to learn their own lessons. Funny! Thanks for a great comment, Tamara!

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      1. Absolutely! That’s where deciding where to draw the line is important! Definitely agree that drinking bad water isn’t on the list of “ let them learn the hard way“!

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  5. Did you know cotton candy is also called fairy floss? I learned that years ago and never forgot it, even though I haven’t actually eaten cotton candy/fairy floss in a very long time.

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    1. I didn’t know that. And my daughter doesn’t either otherwise I think she would want it even more. I tried it when we got it fresh – it’s still not very good. 🙂

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  6. Oh the testing limits thing really does test our own limits as parents too.

    I agree about your musings on inaction. Life is about trying and experiencing. It’s far too short to not try, to not live and to not do anything. One word, action and person can indeed change this world. A great message to start this weekend!

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  7. Einstein is credited for once saying, “The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything.” So yes, I do believe inaction can have major consequences, as does action. Anything we choose to do or not do has an impact, sometimes so far from us that we often don’t see the result.
    I do however admire your very reasonable way of dealing with your curious Miss O. As I’ve said before, your kids are blessed to have you as their mom.
    Great post Wynne! As always very thought provoking.

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    1. What a great point, Alegria. Doing nothing can have terrible consequences. And I love how you point out that the impact is sometimes so far from us that we don’t see it – but it’s still there.

      And thank you for your kind parenting words. I’m lucky to have these delightful and curious kids!

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  8. I was looking for a quote by Oscar Wilde, as I did not remember exactly what he said about daring. Then I found one by Walt Whitman that goes like that: – I accept reality and dare not question it – Despite the fact that I like Whitman very much (I prefer Wilde though) I must say that I disagree on that. Actually I find it very difficult to accept reality. I would like to make so many changes that one lifetime won’t be enough. Therefore I take the one-step-at-the-time approach and I do my best to make one little (or big) change every day. But I am an adult. Children in Western society have a high life expectancy also because there are parents watching over them telling dos and don’ts.

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    1. What an interesting comment, Cristiana! You’ve made me think as always and I love your line that you would like to make so many changes that one lifetime won’t be enough. I think your one-at-a-time approach is amazing and that you are making an impact. I know this from just the short time working with you!

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