Digging Deep vs Leaning In

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“I don’t promise you it will be easy. I do promise you it will be worthwhile.” – Art Williams

My 6-year-old daughter mentioned that she wasn’t excited to go to school yesterday because she had “reading rotation.” I don’t exactly understand why she doesn’t like it but it’s something about being with her group and having to move through the different stations of school work. So we counted the number of days she has of reading rotation left in the school year – nine. She decided nine was more than doable.

But I was left thinking about “counting the days.” It made me think of the difference between digging deep and leaning in. I remember when I started working out to climb my first mountain and I was working out on these set of stairs on Capitol Hill in Seattle where there are 13 flights for a total of 290 steps. As I did these the first time I thought, “I can do anything for 20 minutes.” This became my mantra for digging deep to get through short-term pain.

Then it came time to climb and I thought “I can do anything for two days.” And adopting that attitude got me through a great deal of repetitive tasks and tough conditions.

When I had first had kids and the sleepless nights were getting to me, I remember thinking to myself, “I can do anything for two years.” Well, I’m not sure I could have done sleep deprivation for that long and fortunately didn’t have to find out but saying that mantra helped get me through.

I can do anything for x amount of time is my mantra for digging deep. It works – it helps me push through a perceived limit by tricking my brain. But there is a point where digging deep becomes a habit to not only push through challenges but also to bear down and push through life. At that point digging deep becomes a liability.

By contrast, the biggest gift I received from the rich healing days when I first started meditating after my divorce was learning how to lean in. It was a lesson I got from Pema Chödrön’s book When Things Fall Apart. It was my awakening that it doesn’t work to avoid things – we need to lean in to them instead and take the power away.

I’ve heard this likened to the martial art of Aikido – that by leaning in to a punch, you take away its power. You get it closer to the source so it doesn’t have a chance to build up steam and turn into something bigger.

You lean in to the things that make you uncomfortable to find out why. You lean in to the arguments you have with your partner to find the root cause of what isn’t being said. You lean in to the fear of what you don’t want to do to find out what associations can be untangled.

For me, it’s a subtle difference between digging deep and leaning in. Digging deep is for when I have to grind things out. Leaning in is for when I can stop things from blossoming into something that has to be endured.

We close enough to the end of the year that I’m sure my daughter can dig deep to get through her remaining reading rotations. But perhaps next time we should practice the art of leaning in so we find out what is making an activity hard and disarm it.

(featured photo is my daughter on the Capitol Hill stairs in 2017)

27 thoughts on “Digging Deep vs Leaning In”

  1. An enlightening post Wynne. As always. I love how you’ve built the connection between leaning in and digging deeper.
    Leaning in certainly takes away the power and helps us better understand our own frailties or fastidiousness. Leaning in also means letting go of the handrails of fear that hold us back from exploring ourselves and our own emotions, which takes digging in.
    What a beautiful daughter you have and only nine more rotations means she’ll come out triumphant very soon.
    Great post!

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    1. Ooooh, Alegria. What an interesting connection you’ve pointed out. That’s another tie between leaning in and digging deep “Leaning in also means letting go of the handrails of fear that hold us back from exploring ourselves and our own emotions, which takes digging in.” That’s brilliant! Thank you, my friend!

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  2. I like how your daughter is learning to do the steps early, metaphorically and physically! When I have a task I don’t want to do, I tell myself I’ll do it for 15 minutes. Clean my office? 15 minutes, and when the time is up I usually want to continue. Thanks for your stories and wisdom.

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    1. That’s such a good point, Rebecca. When we start with the small increment, we find out it’s not so bad and can continue! Thanks for adding your wisdom to the conversation!

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  3. Lovely post ,Wynne.
    Love the symbolism in this apt picture!
    I like “For me, it’s a subtle difference between digging deep and leaning in. Digging deep is for when I have to grind things out. Leaning in is for when I can stop things from blossoming into something that has to be endured.”
    Best wishes
    Chaya

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    1. Thank you, Chaya! I really love that picture. She wasn’t even 2-years-old and was about to tackle the last 2 flights. You are right – it’s great symbolism!

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  4. Thanks for gently clarifying the difference between leaning in and digging deeper. My personal line I use “What have I got to lose” has helped me face and tackle some things I had perceived to be daunting. I like the line “I can do X for ___ amount of time.” That’s a great tool to add to my toolkit!

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  5. I never really understood a definition for leaning in, but I like and agree with your version Wynne. Sometimes you have to take back control and empower yourself. I have learned that I don’t need to be a martyr to long term endurance of a possible endless or traumatic situation.

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  6. [I saw the title of this post and thought you’d be writing about Sheryl Sandberg’s resignation from FB. Just read that in the news.]

    I wonder how much of my life I’ve spent digging deep when I could have been leaning in? I know that this dichotomy would have helped me understand myself better when I was younger. Food for thought now

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    1. That’s so funny that you said that! I almost included something about Sheryl Sandberg’s definition of leaning in. And then the news broke. What timing!

      I hadn’t thought of it as a dichotomy until you said it but yes, that’s a perfect way to describe the relationship, Ally! I know I’ve spent too much time digging deep in my 44 years before I read Pema Chodron. It’s a great resource to have but I’ve also misused it!

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  7. What a wonderful way to look at it, and if I can paraphrase the old saying: may we have the strength to grind through the things we must, the courage to lean in where we should, and the wisdom to know the difference?

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  8. Leaning in is actually positive. When you snowboard or ski leaning in is how you keep your balance. If you lean back, you lose your traction and balance. Interesting analogy – leaning in is the key to success.

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  9. This is a very insightful post, Wynne, and something I needed in the middle of what has been a stressful week.

    “You get it closer to the source so it doesn’t have a chance to build up steam and turn into something bigger.” Speaks to the need to face things and understand the core of the issue rather than avoidance or just accepting things as they are.

    You’re teaching your daughter valuable skills around resiliency and next year will be a new and different start for sure!

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    1. I’m sorry it’s been a stressful week, Ab. Are you digging deep or leaning in? Or both! Thank you for the very kind comment. Yes, always so fun to have a summer break and then find the new routines in the fall. I hope it’s a good break for you all too!

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