Showing Up When It Matters

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“Look at the bright spots. Look at the things that energize you.” – China Brooks

“Your son did a great job and you were amazing too” the dentist said to me as we were heading out the door. I know she meant it sincerely but it’s hard to accept a compliment for something that you never wanted to be good at. As was the case here as I had just held my 2-year-old son through getting a root canal.

It had all started with Mr. D’s dental checkup on Tuesday when they noticed a cavity. Two hours after the appointment his temperature spiked at daycare and they sent him home. I called the dentist, described the bump she saw on his gum and she dismissed it as unlikely he had an infection.

Until we showed up Friday to get it filled and she took one look and declared it was abscessed and he had to have a root canal. The tooth is important for the spacing of the next tooth to come in so they have to try to save it.

I’d spent the last two and a half days nursing him back to health after the temperature spike and so this was an unwelcome surprise on top of a dumpster fire of a week of only being able to work at night after the kids were in bed.

The only routine that made it through the week intact for me was my self-care routine in the morning – yoga, meditation and writing.

As I sat in that hot room, stinky with the smell of teeth and hissing with the noise of the drill I wondered if the reading, writing, and meditating made any difference. Then I paged through the thoughts that arose:

Therapist and author Deb Dana declares having a well-regulated central nervous system a gift to those around you. Whether or not we intellectualize why, the “neurosception” of our body as it senses another nervous system often reacts to what it finds. Our brain then gets a sense of whether or not we feel safe simply cued by the nervous system.

I thought of the comment that apeacefultree made in this post asking Can we be selfish and selfless at the same time?  “Healthy selfishness can include self-care and putting our own oxygen masks on.”

Then I landed on the research of Daniel Kahneman, psychologist, behavorial economist and author of Thinking, Fast and Slow who found the way that we remember both painful and pleasureful experiences as defined by the peak moment and the end moment. It helped prompt me to try to make the end moments of this procedure as good as possible in order to help Mr. D’s memories of it less painful.

Cycling through those thoughts, I came to the conclusion that the time reading, writing and meditating made a big difference. Because this was life – this was showing up when it mattered. Of course it’s also in the dance parties and the snuggling up to read at night but you can’t have one without the other. Or at least not the depth of one without the depth of the other.

It was because I’d taken the time to meditate and get myself in order before this appointment that I got through. The credit goes to Mr. D for being an easy-to-calm kid but I can at least say that I didn’t make it worse as I’m sure I would have if I’d gotten in a few more billable hours but had come in hot.

It’s so hard to stay present for someone else’s suffering. But it also is an honor to be able to do that for the people we love.  And I think why we call people like Mother Theresa saints for witnessing the suffering of people they don’t even know.

At the heart of this is that I wouldn’t have chosen to be anywhere else. The experience taught me that I need to keep doing my self-care if I’m to have any chance to help Mr. D work through this a traumatic experience. Especially because we have to go back for the second part of the root canal in 8 days.

(featured photo is of Mr. D playing at the dentist before the procedure)

27 thoughts on “Showing Up When It Matters”

    1. Thank you, Ashley. We survived it – and he’s gotten a lot of presents as has his sister who is really glad to have the bounty without having the root canal. 🙂

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  3. I’m sorry for the very challenging and exhausting week that you and Mr D had. Getting a root canal is very scary so I can only imagine how hard it is for a 2 year old.

    The quote you shared – “Healthy selfishness can include self-care and putting our own oxygen masks on.” – resonates with me a lot. We need to watch out for ourselves if we are to even think about having the capacity to care for others at their hardest moments.

    Good luck with dental visit #2 and hope this week is less chaotic!

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    1. Yes, Ab – I totally resonate with what you say about watching out for ourselves if we want to be able to care for others in their hard moments. It’s never easy – but that at least makes it easier. Happy Victoria Day!

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  4. Oh, poor little Mr. D and poor you. A sobering reminder of how fraught parenting can be, in the most unexpected ways. I hope this procedure and the one to come are successful and quick to recover from.

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  5. Self care isn’t optional if we want to be available to help others and is definitely not selfish. My motto: ‘You can’t give someone a drink from an empty well’ poor little guy. I can’t imagine a 2 year old having to go through a root canal. Good job mama and Mr D! I hope the next visit goes smoothly.

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    1. Wow, Nancy – that is a great motto! Indeed – you can’t give someone a drink from an empty well. And you can’t really predict when people will need to a drink either, right? Thank you for this note of encouragement and wisdom!

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  6. Wow! Two years old and a root canal! My sympathies to both of you! Thankfully two-year-olds heal really well, so to my mind the only issue would be what kind of trauma would he learn from this experience which could affect future dental visits? Sounds to me like you made the experience as comfortable and as comforting as possible! “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

    By making his experience as drama free and as comforting as possible, you are helping his future self be better able to handle the dentist’s visits!

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    1. I love, love, love that Maya Angelou quote, Tamara! And you nailed exactly what I’m worried about. I can’t really get him to talk about the experience and yet I know that’s what helps us heal from the trauma of it. So I drew out his story (crudely because I’m not much of an artist) in 8 little panels to take to school with him today. I have no idea if that will help him work through the narrative but I’m hoping.

      And I kept on thinking of parents/grandparents who support their kids through cancer as you and your daughter did. It is something I know we’d all prefer to have done to us rather than watch a little one go through. May we all have the strength to see others through suffering!

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      1. You made him feel safe! You helped him deal with the pain and the healing!

        Don’t overthink it at this time!! Don’t assume trauma when he may not have felt at all traumatized!

        Just being there for them, making them feel safe are already two biggies! In the case of a serious illness? More of the same, plus trying to keep life as normal as possible for a kid!

        You’re doing great and he will too!!

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      2. Oh, I think he’s traumatized. He was fine for the first 25 minutes but in the last 25 minutes, it was really painful because of the infection. He kept asking to stop and when you are a kid and ask to stop, they don’t listen and just try to power on through. But you are right – safe and being there. Yes, I’ll remember that.

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  7. Thank you for mentioning my post! So glad you were both able to get through such a challenging week and that you took the time for self care in the middle of it all. It must have been a difficult balance. Hope the second part of the root canal goes smoothly!

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    1. I hear you, Rosaliene. It was quite a terrible surprise to find out that was the remedy. I’m having a hard time not worrying about the next part of the procedure but keep telling myself to take it one day at a time and at least he’s feeling better with the antibiotics and work to get rid of the infection. Thanks for your comment and sympathy!

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  10. I really feel for Mr. D! That is a lot to go through at any age, but especially at his. I am feeling for you too, mama…that is a lot to have your child go through. Hugs to you both ❤

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    1. Thank you, Grace! I haven’t had a root canal but I’m quite sure I’d rather have one myself than have my kid have to have one but I guess we don’t get to choose things like this. Right? I appreciate the hugs!

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  11. For me, it’s always a toss-up about who needs more sympathy—the patient or the caregiver. I your case, it’s no contest. Clearly, you both deserve equal, in heaping amounts. Blessings and prayers? 💕

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  12. These events of where we are present for people we love is instinctive. I took my Dad to ER the other night, no question to me who would do it, or if I would stay. I did it and I stayed with him until he was released. When people we truly care about need help – we don’t think it, we just step up. As you did.

    I like this statement “It’s so hard to stay present for someone else’s suffering. But it also is an honor to be able to do that for the people we love.” It brought me back nearly 50 years to when I was a summer camp counselor and sitting with someone on the wood steps of a cabin. Tears were involved and the young man was embarrassed. I told him not to be, that I felt complimented he shared his thoughts and tears just with me. He felt a little better then I think.

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    1. I love how you say, “we don’t think about it – we just step up.” Yes! I hope your dad is okay.

      The story you tell about being a camp counselor is so precious too. I’m sure you made a big difference – not only in listening but in telling him it was okay to share those thoughts and tears. Beautiful, David! And thanks for sharing that with me!

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