I Haven’t Tried Anything and Nothing Works

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“I believe you have to walk through vulnerability to get to courage.” – Brené Brown

I was talking with a friend the other day about her marriage. On the surface everything is fine but underneath one partner feels the pull towards adventure and the other partner doesn’t want anything to change. In fact as we talk through different possibilities of things that could give the relationship new ground – therapy, different types of dates, a shift in the balance of things – the answer was no to everything because it was too threatening.

It reminded me of a man I used to work with who would describe his team as running around with their hair on fire whenever there was a problem, which since it was a technology company, was often. If you asked them what they tried, he’d joke that they’d say, “I haven’t tried anything and nothing works!”

My friend’s situation also reminded me of my marriage after my husband’s infidelities were revealed and we were trying to work on it. He sat around and stoked his anger at his friend who had told me. Meanwhile I was casting about trying to find ways to heal. It felt like his check-ins consisted of asking me if I was better yet while he pursued nothing to find change and healing in himself.

While that might sound overly harsh, let me also admit that I’ve been the person in a relationship too frozen with insecurity and fear at what I might find to look under the hood. I’m thinking of a relationship I had in my 20’s where I found it too threatening to take that step towards introspection so that I preferred breaking apart rather than seeing whether we could alter our patterns and change together.

In the work scenario, I know it was our office dynamic that led to people not being willing to try anything because there was a company culture that was big on blame. Stepping your toe out to fix something could result in exposing yourself to fire. Creating an environment where it’s safe to be vulnerable seems like the best way to lead people to change, whether that be a family or a workplace.

Thinking about my friend and her marriage, I think relationships often set us up in dichotomy with each other. The adventurous one – the stalwart one. The one who wants to look – the one who wants to avert their eyes. So I silently root from the sidelines that they can cultivate a little more vulnerability to face change together.

I understand the fear that looking inside might reveal something ugly but I’ve come to learn it’s the not looking that is the real threat. If you don’t change from the inside, life will often change you from the outside. “I haven’t tried anything and nothing works” was a great company joke but it always required someone brave enough to break the trend to fix the problem.

(featured photo from Pexels)

35 thoughts on “I Haven’t Tried Anything and Nothing Works”

  2. Thanks for sharing another thought-provoking post, Wynne. In relationships, I think it is only the definitions we hold of ourselves and one another that either draw us together, or push us apart. When we know one another at a deeper level, the costumes we think of as “self” don’t get in the way.

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  4. This is brilliant. I love your boss’s saying and I like your take on it as that saying pertains to real life. “If you don’t change from the inside, life will often change you from the outside.” No truer words.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thank you for your words! They remind me of several conversations I’ve had with my husband about psychological safety in the workplace. He does consulting work and was trained in how to work with groups to create environments where people weren’t afraid of making mistakes or being blamed. It was really interesting hearing the things that people were telling my husband went on in their companies and how it impacted their work.

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    1. Oh wow – what an interesting comment. I can only imagine how interesting the stories people tell about their companies are. What a great comment about workplace psychological safety – and how necessary it is! Thanks for adding this to the conversation!

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  7. Hiding out is always so much easier than staring a difficult person, situation, or one’s self in the face, isn’t it? Oh, the courage it takes, and oh the grand benefit of doing so in the end! Cheers to those who courageous souls who do it!

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  9. “If you don’t change from the inside, life will often change you from the outside.” Well said, Wynne. Thanks!

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  11. So true in so many ways, Wynne. My courage grew as I dealt with my fear of change in all of its forms. As you so wisely put it: “If you don’t change from the inside, life will often change you from the outside.” And life beyond one’s inner self has no mercy.

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  12. This was a very thoughtful post about the importance of creating a safe space – whether in our personal or work lives – for exploration and to try things out, so people can try to step outside of their comfort zones.

    I hope that your friend and her spouse can find a mutual ground to address both their needs!

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  14. I personally have found that my husband and I work best when we both compromise a little. He too has the desire to travel well I want to stay in one place. So we compromise and he travels for work two weeks out of the month but we don’t have to move around the country and he gets traveling out of his system. It works for us!

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