The Ripple Effect

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“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

My dad once made a comment that when he focused on a topic for a sermon, there was a noticeable effect on his life. If he was preaching about parenthood, he’d be a better parent for that week. Likewise about being a better husband, friend or citizen as he focused on those topics.

As I was writing my post for Pointless Overthinking this week, The Art of Apology, I found the same ripple effect in my life. Reading through Dr. Harriet Lerner’s book Why Won’t You Apologize gave me so many great talking points for how to sincerely apologize and it also reminded me of the practice of accepting apologies, especially from kids.

Two points that really resonated with me. The first was not to brush off an apology with a “it’s no problem” when someone, especially a child, has worked up the courage to offer one.

And the second was not to use an apology as a springboard to a lecture. Responding to an apology with something like “Well, I’m glad to hear you apologize for hitting your brother because we don’t do that in this family” is the best way to make kids regret ever offering one.

When we apologize, we help heal the wound however slight for someone else. When we accept an apology, we affirm the courage of someone else to voice their mistakes.

As Dr. Lerner says “We take turns at being the offender and the offended until our very last breath. It’s reassuring to know that we have the possibility to set things, right, or at least know that we have brought our best selves to the task at hand, however the other person responds.”

The other day my 6-year-old daughter was making sticker art for people in her life. One mermaid that she made lost an itty-bitty piece of her tail and my daughter said, “I’m going to give this one to Nana. Because even though I lost the sticker, she’s a great forgiver.”

Isn’t that a great way to be known?

15 thoughts on “The Ripple Effect”

  1. Thank you, Wynne, for sharing yet again another wonderfully rich post. You have such a natural way of making deeper aspects of life understandable and “real.” To be known as a great forgiver–yes! 🙏

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    1. I love that Maya Angelou quote. It reminds me of my beloved dad who even 7 years after his death, leaves me with a warm feeling. Since it is his birthday today, it seemed especially appropriate! 😉 Thanks, Jane! ❤

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      1. Oh my, happy birthday to the man who continues to have so many of us laughing and thinking, and leaving even those who never knew him with warm feelings. I’m glad you told me that, Wynne.

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  3. Well said, Wynne. An important topic. I do not know Lerner’s work, but have found Aaron Lazare’s “On Apology” has never left me since I read it many years ago.”

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    1. I just looked up that book. Looks like a good cross-cultural, historical and in-depth coverage of the subject. And yes, what an important topic that touches all of us! Thanks for the addition of this resource to the discussion, Dr. Stein!

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  5. Wow, that is very very deep of your daughter to recognize and to say that about her Nana. Amazing job to you all!

    And I agree with you about accepting apologizing at face value and avoiding the need to lecture back. I make this mistake very often and I have to remind myself it took a lot for our son to say sorry. Will keep reminding myself of this! 🙏

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    1. The reason I mentioned those lessons are because I keep having to learn them too. I didn’t even realize I was using the apology as a springboard until I heard that podcast and realize I was doing both a lot!

      What a lovely comment you’ve made about my daughter’s observation. You’re right – it is deep. I’ve sometimes felt bad that my kids have only 1 grandparent since my dad died before they were born. But the upside is that it’s such a close relationship!

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      1. I can understand why you feel badly about having 1 grandparent but your kids will have his memory live on through your wonderful stories and artifacts!

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