Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

HEARD IN COURT

Fellow goes to court to get another to pay for a broken leg from an accident. Officer testifies he admitted to no injury when asked at time of the accident. Fellow testifies it was true but you must understand the context. He had been in his horse drawn carriage with his hound-dog alongside when hit by a speeding car. As he was lying on the ground, the sheriff came up and saw the injured horse: shot him. Then he saw the injured dog: shot him. Came up to me and asked, “Are you hurt?”

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th
Q: What year?
A: Every year

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

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Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.