Barring the Doors

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“Peace is not something you wish for; It’s something you make, Something you do , Something you are, And something you give away.” – John Lennon

I dreamed last night that 2 carloads of people were trying to break into my house. To protect myself and my kids, I was in the garage, trying to roll the codes for the garage door opener and even reset the Internet router. I knew these steps would make it harder for me to get out, physically and on the Internet but it felt imperative enough to do it. As I dreamed about having to take these steps, I was so afraid that I woke myself up and could still feel the gritty fear lingering as I lay in bed.

I rarely spend any time trying to analyze my dreams but this one is too obvious to miss. I have a friend who over the last year has been flaky and disappointing. The reasons are rooted in what’s going on in her life but after almost a year of her not showing up for us, I want to lock her out. In the parallel to the dream, I know this type of shutting down makes me less accessible to others across the board but my fear of continuing in this cycle makes it seem urgent.

It all begs that classic question: how do I stay open without perpetuating the cycle? As I sit in this morning quiet place with my candles lit and my mind open, I can see the answer for me is forgiveness and boundaries.

Forgiveness to release the hold disappointment has taken in my heart. To breathe into the space of empathy and understanding for my friend’s life as she struggles to do her work. Letting go of the tally sheet that my mind has been keeping for this past year.

And setting boundaries that I can maintain. As Prentice Hemphill said, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love both you and me simultaneously.” With boundaries I can create some order in this new phase of friendship without locking everything out.

The other day my 6-year-old daughter had some friends over and when the 3-year-old pulled down the fort my daughter had spent all morning making and then laughed about it, she hissed, “I’m never inviting you guys over again!” It seems so natural to want to lock others out until we are left lonely and bored without anyone to appreciate our forts. Coaching my daughter through it, I can see we can do better with forgiveness and boundaries instead.

(featured photo from Pexels)

12 thoughts on “Barring the Doors”

  1. I very much feel this piece. I’m also in the process of redefining friendships and making sure I enforce boundaries. It’s hard to not want to shut out the world to keep ourselves safe.

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    1. Thank you for saying that, Em! And goodness, isn’t it hard to not only create boundaries but as you point out, enforce them? Well, best luck to you as do this not-so-fun part of friendship! Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  2. Thanks for sharing this experience, Wynne. As you’ve come to realize, forgiveness and letting go of the hurt and disappointments is the best way forward. I’ve faced a similar situation with a friend during the pandemic. Letting go has not been easy, but I remain open to other friendships.

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    1. I’m sorry to hear you have been facing a similar situation. Thank you for affirming that forgiveness and letting go works. Better to do that and stay open and you said! Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  3. Boundaries are so important and good to hear you are setting them. But it’s also good to acknowledge that others who continually disappoint you may be doing so for reasons beyond their choosing. A wise lesson to impart onto your children!

    And those home invasion dreams are the worst!

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      2. Oh, that’s bad combo – home invasion and brain eating! By the way, my daughter’s favorite Disney+ show these days is Zombies. They do a great job of making Zombies not scary… 🙂

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  4. Forgiveness is one of those tough ones to achieve. I’m one of those who is more likely to continue to let the person do whatever has annoyed me to no end, but remove myself from the situation, just walk away from it. Every once in a while, I’ll try the forgiveness route, but, unfortunately, it ends up badly so far. Many years ago I spoke to a priest about this dilemma. He told me to pray for forgiveness of myself. It did lessen the burden.

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      1. All of us have flaws. It’s part of being human. One of my flaws is resentment in certain situation. I try not to be this way, but usually my emotions will not let go. Accepting this is a hard pill to swallow, so I ask for help.

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