Betrayal and Forgiveness

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“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience.‘” – Oprah Winfrey

My daughter’s 7-year-old friend came over the other day with the news that their former au pair had betrayed them (her words). The gist of the story was that au pair had agreed to stay with the kids for a weekend and then backed out. Our young friend said that her parents had found someone else to stay with the kids while they travel leaving only the feeling of betrayal to somehow process.

That word, betrayal, always reminds me of my ex-husband. Because when his friend and my business partner told me of my husband’s infidelities, my husband at the time felt so betrayed because his friend told me. And the more he declaimed it, the more embedded I felt in his betrayal of me and our wedding vows.

In this circular pattern of pain and distrust, there seemed to be no way out. I couldn’t get any resolution of what had happened because every time we touched on it, even in counseling, it just triggered my ex-husband’s feeling of betrayal. He could bring more dramatic outrage to the table so I always ended up bottling it up in a misguided effort to make it stop. When we finally divorced, I was so relieved that cycle was over.

But it left me having to forgive my ex-husband without any satisfying resolution about what had happened. Which was even harder work. Our wisdom traditions talk about the power and necessity of forgiveness. Growing up as a pastor’s kid, it was like the bread and butter of our family. Knowing that and wanting it, I still had to find out my way of actually forgiving. I was like a goat tethered to a stake always covering the same ground until I did.

In the end, I discovered meditation as a way to lean in to the mess of it all and develop a bigger perspective. That is when I finally figured out how to forgive. The pain of betrayal led me to the life of meditation and perspective. Which has then gone on to give so many more gifts of faith, confidence and personal belonging that allowed me to choose to have kids on my own. Looking back, I have never been so glad for the gift of pain leading me to the richness of life.

I know forgiveness is extremely hard to do when we feel like keep the wound open provides evidence that we were the injured party. I recently read a quote by Henri Nouwen, “Your future depends on how you decide to remember your past.” In that passage, he was talking to himself but the Truth of it brought tears to my eyes.

Watching my daughter’s friend as she told me the story, I could see her rewriting her history of the 18 months the au pair lived with and cared for her based on this last interaction. If I could amend Henri Nouwen’s Truth slightly, I’d add that “Your kids future also depends on how you decide to remember your past.”

11 thoughts on “Betrayal and Forgiveness”

  2. You speak so eloquently about a profound truth!

    While we’re still living in our pain, either from still going through our circumstances or because the pain is still to big in our entire being, it is inconceivable that we might reach a point of thanking our pain!

    Yet, once we have gone through the life changing transformations we need to go through for our healing, there does come a point where we’re can draw a clear line from the past to the present to see how our road brought us to where we are right now, and to gratefully acknowledge that we never would have gotten here except by passing through the dark woods and the wide desert we had crossed!!

    I had heard about this before I experienced my own healing and I had scoffed at what seemed a ridiculous notion! Surely I could NEVER reach that point, given what I had gone through… but then I was surprised! I have experienced this very thing!

    Truly it’s not just time alone which helps us to get to this point, bit an active participation in our own healing!!

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    1. Active participation in our own healing – such wisdom, Tamara!! Yes, yes, yes. And the dark woods and wide desert describes it well. Although we have to walk it on our own, it is so important that we other people like you saying this it is possible!! Thank you, Tamara!

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  4. Wonderful post and quote!

    Forgiveness is very hard especially when the wound is deep and raw and traumatic. But it is, as noted, ultimately so so freeing!

    Sorry your little one is already learning about the bumps that come with friendships. But sounds like you’ll help guide her along the way!

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    1. Thank you, Ab! I think we find out quickly as parents that we get to not only do the work for ourselves but also our young ones. I guess that’s just to make sure we’ve learned it. 🙂 Thank you for your kind comment!

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