The Wall of Defense

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“Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I’d like to see you in better living conditions.” – Hafiz

Last week the most worrisome thing happened. My mom invited me out to lunch. Since I see her usually a couple of times a week at my house when my kids are there and we text every day, I immediately decided that I must be in trouble.

I spent the two days between when she invited me and our lunch date in the back of my mind trying to think of everything I could be doing wrong and my defense for each.

Giving my kids too much salt or sugar to eat?

Spend too much on toys?

Needing to reprioritize saving money?

Not working out enough?

It doesn’t seem like anything very serious but we have enough history over this handful of points so even if I don’t necessarily disagree with her, I can muster a strong defense along the lines of “I’ve got bigger things to worry about” and “I’m doing the best I can.”

Then I had lunch with my mom. She just wanted to know how I was doing. I spent the first half of the lunch just unwinding inside. And for what it was worth, taking stock of what I might be doing wrong wasn’t a bad exercise. It was building the defenses that was a waste of mental energy. It reminded me that any conversation that I prepared for like that would never be open or productive.

And I learned that sometimes the best trick of a parent is to say nothing. And that the power of a parent lasts forever.

7 thoughts on “The Wall of Defense”

  1. I can relate, Wynne. I feel this way when we go for extended visits with family. Always brace myself for the criticisms and unsolicited advice. It’s not a comfortable feeling for sure but makes you a better advocate for yourself and your kids.

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  2. I’ve had more than my share of criticisms from my mother, so I maintain a safe distance. Being a mother of adult sons comes with another kind of stress as I watch in silence when they make poor decisions or adapt self-destructive behavior.

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  3. Been there! My relationship with my mother runs along those lines too. She’s critical with everyone not just me! I have changed the whole dynamic with my own adult daughter! She’s an adult and entitled to do things her own way. She’s doing a great job with the kids and like all of us makes her share of mistakes! She calls me to talk it through with me, invites me into the difficult talks with the kids because she knows I have her back. No matter what kind of home we came out of, I believe we each have the opportunity and the right to make different choices. Will other family members always support us? Maybe not, but they’re entitled to their opinions! I feel it’s how they’re expressed that makes a huge difference! That’s where we have the right to set boundaries! We can tell people gently that if they continue to be negative or hurtful we will leave! We can’t change others, only set our own boundaries with them.

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    1. I love that perspective and hearing about the sweet relationship you have with your daughter. I also think that on my better days, I can model openness to feedback to my kids through my relationship with my mother if we can do it within healthy boundaries. For my mom after so many years of parenting as a team with my father where he was the warmth and she was the specificity, she’s had to adjust. I maintain hope that everyone can change and grow regardless of age! Thanks for the insightful comment, Tamara!

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