“Wherever I go, I meet myself.” – Tozan
My friend Eric, called me stubborn this weekend. He didn’t say it directly to me but as an aside to my mom loud enough for me to hear because I didn’t want the pots in the dishwasher. It didn’t call for an answer but it’s an observation he’s made before so I thought about more deeply as my reactions rolled through me.
First, I got defensive and started wanting to point out all the ways and times that I am flexible.
Then, I got argumentative and created a list in my head of all the ways he is stubborn.
Next, associations started to weigh in and it reminded me of when my ex-husband used to call me in-de-pen-dent in four long syllables that made it clear it wasn’t a compliment.
And then I finally rolled to acceptance. It’s probably true. I’ve gotten a whole lot done in my life because I am pretty determined. This is the shadow side of that.
I wonder why it takes me so long to accept who I am. Probably because I’m stubborn. 😉
But I have hope because my determination to sit and meditate every day seems to help me cycle through all the defenses, arguments, and associations with less friction. It makes me think of the word humble and it’s origins in Latin from humus, meaning ground. Sitting on the ground meditating brings a repeated lesson of my small place in this Divine mystery, a humility that keeps me moving toward the reality of who I am and shedding of who I’m not. I find that most everything works better when I’m grounded.
(featured photo from Pexels)
Surprised By Joy 