impatience – Surprised By Joy

“When feeling urgent, you must slow down.” – Mark Nepo

About 25 years ago, I had to travel to France for a business trip. The conference that I was presenting at was in Nice. I tacked on a few extra days to spend time in Paris before I met my colleagues in the south of France.

I enjoyed Paris immensely. When it came time to fly to Nice, I arrived at the airport on the afternoon of my scheduled flight to discover that there was a transportation strike and no flights were leaving.

My high-school French language skills weren’t all that good when I was actively taking classes and 15 years later, they sucked. So I was stuck in an airport ticket line trying to speak or understand enough French to find a solution. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting anywhere.

There was a young American woman behind me who was also scheduled to fly to Nice. Stymied by the French “je ne sais pas” answer to all our questions about when we could fly, we decided to rent a car and drive there.

Time has erased my memories of how we actually got the car. But that was the night that I learned that France is a bigger country than I thought. We drove all night long and arrived at 5am the next morning. I was completely wiped out. Two days later I gave my presentation and immediately threw up afterwards. It wasn’t anything serious – I just was completely spent.

I’d like to say that I learned a lesson about brute forcing solutions to my problems that night. I didn’t. But it was the first clue in a long list of situations from which I started to learn about the roadblocks in life. Sometimes when we’re aiming to get somewhere, trying harder isn’t the only way to do it.

I’ve come to appreciate the wisdom from poet Mark Nepo in The Book of Awakening:

“When feeling urgent, you must slow down.

I learned this, over and over, during the many crises of cancer. Unless someone is bleeding or can’t breathe, unless there is some true physical requirement to act swiftly, a sense of urgency is a terrible illusion, a trick that happens, again and again, because life inside our skin and outside our skin are forever different.”

The month of March often leaves me feeling urgent. It feels like a long stutter step on the transition to better days – or at least longer ones. This post is my reminder to slow down and just let it come.

(featured photo from Pexels)

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“Things are always in transition. Nothing ever sums itself up the way we dream about.” – Pema Chodron

I received an email last night from Seattle Public Schools. They aren’t going to be able to make the promised return date for in-person school for Kindergartners and 1st graders of March 1st. I have many reactions to that like “What, it’s been a year? How could that not be enough time?” but I also understand the huge number of details they need to work out. Whether or not I rationalize it, I still feel disappointed and in suspense. We’ve been packed in this house together for a year, doing the best to learn something including how to socialize with others and be happy about the circumstance and I’m ready for a change.

When I first decided to try invitro-fertilization to have a baby on my own, I went through all the steps and then sat down at my desk on the day that I’d gotten it all done and was prepared to start. I thought “Wow, life is about to change!” The next day my amazing father was killed in a bike accident and I was heartbroken. I thought “Not like that! That wasn’t the change I meant!” Even with this ever-present example of the most final way that don’t always change in the way that I anticipate or want, I still am very impatient for change and I’m an optimist that it’ll change for the better. I’m always looking forward to the next milestone or hanging my hat on “what I’ll do when…” It’s like living life in a waiting room, where you are isolated with the old magazines, never quite able to start something because you’re name might be called at any second, not enjoying where you are because it’s on the outside of the room you are waiting to be in.

There’s nothing to do but to return to now. Gratitude does that for me. I breathe into all the many things I’m grateful for including that, even amidst the grief of losing my father, IVF worked and I was blessed with my little family. Even when it feels like I can’t live in these circumstances for a moment longer, I practice returning to the sweetness of what is. It saves me from splitting myself between now and a time that has not yet happened. It saves me the energy of preparing for a future that will likely happen only in my mind. I stray from the moment, I return, it’s a cycle I repeat sometimes with every breath in the day. Life will change, I just try to meet it with my full and present heart.

Tag: impatience

Slowing Down in Order to Get There

Life in the Waiting Room