A Long Walk Spoiled

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“If someone is nasty to you, first try love. If that does not work, compassion. If that does not work, distance.” – Sadhguru

I have a love-hate relationship with golf. On one hand, it’s outside and involves walking. On the other hand, it might be the sport about which I’ve had the most arguments.

When my mom recently took my son, six-year-old Mr. D, out to play golf at a local pitch and putt, he was thrilled. After all, it involved whacking a ball with a stick. What’s not to love about that?

After they returned home, my mom ribbed me about being a golf curmudgeon. She told my ten-year-old daughter, “She had a bad attitude and refused to practice.”

That found the fault lines of an unhealed wound from my former marriage even more than 15 years later. So I recounted for them how my ex-husband used to pressure me into playing golf. He’d harangue me with a count of how many times he thought I’d played that year (usually wildly undercounted according to my inner recollection) and how it wasn’t enough.

Then he’d schedule a tee time with my parents knowing that would usually get me to the course because I loved playing with them. My dad could make anything fun. But my ex would pick a course far away from us so that it’d be an hour drive there, an hour drive back, and he’d insist we needed a hour to practice ahead of time, turning the outing into at least an eight-hour commitment.

On the way, I’d sit through a lecture of why I should like golf. On the way home, I’d sit through a mixed tape made up of a recap of each of his golf shots and a tired explanation of how I could be better. But the song of gratitude that I’d came and participated never got played.

Any time I’d try to compromise to drive separately so that I could play the first nine and leave or maybe just to drive separately because I didn’t want to go to the range ahead of time…it was unacceptable.

Reliving all this as I write it down, I realize that it wasn’t golf I hated. Every time I went to play with my ex, I mostly just exercised my patience.

My friend, Eric, recently told me a golf story. Brian, one of Eric’s buddies when they were in their 20’s, was hired at Microsoft. Shortly after Brian started his job, he was invited to play golf with his boss and his boss’s boss. On the first tee, the big boss shanked a ball off to the right and walked off the tee to find the ball. Because the big boss was parallel to him and not ahead of him, Brian set up and teed off next.

In a one in a million shot, Brian’s ball shanked straight sideways and hit the big boss in the mouth. He lost nine teeth. Brian didn’t get fired but thankfully managed get himself moved new job about two months later.

Bloody sport!

(featured photo of my parents and me on a golf course)

You can find me on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wynneleon/ and Instagram @wynneleon

I host the How to Share podcast, a podcast about collaboration – sharing leads to success.

I also co-host the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast, an author, creator and storytelling podcast with the amazing Vicki Atkinson.

86 thoughts on “A Long Walk Spoiled”

  1. My apologies in advance here, Wynne. The thing that stands out to me is your mother’s unkindness in raising this issue in front of you our son. It might have been disguised as a joke, but she did you no service or respect. Tell me if I am wrong and I shall apologize once more and be quiet.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What an interesting point, Dr. Stein. It is interesting that she has never updated her understanding of why I didn’t like golf over all these years. I try to accept the things she is unlikely to change at this stage of life while understanding the dynamic so that I don’t repeat it. It’s complicated, isn’t it? Thank you for your thoughtful comment.

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      1. I agree that many people, especially as they get older, will not change. Depending how often the offense occurs, I have had patients who told their parents in private to stop raising such issues, and to speak privately with the patient (out of ear shot) if they wish to pursue them.

        Especially with grandchildren, the example of the grandparent can be problematic and the grand kids sometimes learn the “lesson” that it is OK to criticize their own parent in the same way the grandparent does. It is complicated, as you say, but the patients of whom I am speaking discovered that they had more leverage than they thought.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I shouldn’t make light of the boss getting hit by a golf ball, but what are the odds? I despise golf. When I was a teenager I was forced to take lessons and am still slightly resentful of that time lost doing something so stupid. Why not just go for a walk out on those beautifully manicured fairways? No need to ruin it with a ball and stick and scores.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m not a fan of golf either. It’s one of those things that you either love or hate. I do like the outfits though. Years ago a company I worked for held an annual golf tournament every year. I was delighted to buy a new outfit for these events and sit in the golf cart as everyone else played the silly game. (I let others take my turn at hitting the ball, thankfully) Fortunately no one took it too seriously and the party after was always fun. I’ve never been on a golf course since. I can see Mr. D enjoying it though.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I cannot understand a game where you hit a ball to fly how many hundreds of yards to go into a hole the same size to me that’s like me trying to photograph a bird 3 miles away. I find golf boring, I tried once to watch a tournament and fell asleep. I can empathize with the situation with your ex, I was once involved with someone who tried to make love it. I’m happy I moved on,😊.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Mini golf is loads of fun. Real golf…not so much. I vaguely remember 10th grade PE. I think my teacher was a golfer so we had to experience the magic. I don’t remember ever actually making contact with the ball. 🙂
    I am deeply sorry that you had to endure such a demeaning experience from the ex and that it still brings hurtful memories.

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    1. Thank you, Deb. I’m laughing about your PE experience.

      A while ago Miss O asked me why the only things I remember about my ex are the bad things. I had to smile at the insight of that question. I told her that a certain amount of antipathy is helpful when remembering why you broke up with someone. 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

  6. I’m personally not a fan of golf, but I can understand how being constantly hounded about it would really spoil the mood and make it a truly detestable experience.

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    1. Oh, you said it perfectly, Erin! A little gratitude would have made a difference. But then we might still be married and I wouldn’t have these two wonderful kids so I think it all worked out as it was supposed to!

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    2. Oh, you said it perfectly, Erin! A little gratitude would have made a difference. But then we might still be married and I wouldn’t have these two wonderful kids so I think it all worked out as it was supposed to!

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  8. I’m sorry you had such a difficult time on those planned golf outings. As you suggest, it wasn’t really the golf, but the whole experience that caused you pain. I’ve had bad experiences that left me thinking that I hated *this thing*, but, years later, when given an opportunity to try *this thing* under different circumstances, I sometimes change my mind. As far as golf goes, nothing wrong with it, but I have no talent whatsoever there. I would probably tag the boss too, as my luck goes.

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    1. Such a great comment, Gwen. You’re right – I probably would like it in different circumstances. In fact, I’d do almost anything to have the chance to play 36 holes with my dad again! 🙂

      I’m laughing about your tag the boss comment. Nine teeth — unbelievable!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I used to play golf but I stopped because it wasn’t fun and I didn’t enjoy it. And to top it all off it was very expensive. I don’t think I ever played with my wife. I’m sorry your mom‘s comment took you on a trip back in time to an unpleasant place.

    As for your friend, and his awful golfing experience, how horrific; but shanking my way down the course is how I play, which is another reason I don’t play. I hope Mr. D had a good time and I’m sure that he may ask you why you don’t like playing golf but his heart is in the right place. Thank you for sharing and I hope you have a wonderful week.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Clay! Oh, I bet it would be fun to play with Mr. D. But you’re right – it’s expensive and also time consuming. Hope you have a great week, my friend!

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  10. Wow, Wynne. Your mom’s comment “found the fault lines of an unhealed wound.” I’m so sorry (but I love the description.) That’s a hard memory, but maybe examining it again and sharing it here will allow it to fade. (Applying pressure rarely works, and the person from your past found that out in an ultimate way, I guess.) My husband golfs, but it was a lifelong passion he shared with his dad, not me. We do still play miniature golf with our grown son sometimes which is great fun. I really appreciate you wanting to share this here, Wynne.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, a woman after my writer’s heart. I liked that line too. Those old “ouchies” feel that way, don’t they? And you’re right – applying pressure rarely works and definitely contributed to the ultimate outcome. 🙂

      Your husband’s shared passion for golf with his dad sounds lovely – as does mini golf. Sounds like the right way to do it — and have FUN!

      Thanks, my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I can see why you have a bad feeling about golf. That story about Brian is another awful story! Wow! I golfed most of my life and was on the boys golf team at Snohomish High, because we didn’t haver a girls team. Of course, one of my best friends and I were allowed to practice with the guys, but never once we allowed to compete. I’m sure we were better than some of the guys, too.

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  17. I don’t know what it is about this phrase, “song of gratitude” but it really speaks to me. Sometimes the most incidental acknowledgement goes a long way toward relationship repair. Without it…I know it’s where resentment takes root…speaking for myself, of course. And side note: I’ve been booted off a GOLF course…a time or two…or three…for having bad “etiquette”. Some people will never know how intentional the bad behavior might have been….LOL! Got me to the clubhouse faster! 😜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, I never thought about getting booted off. Brilliant, Vicki!

      As is your comment about the song of gratitude. You’re right – some relationship repair isn’t major or complicated. Thank you for your amazing insight!

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  18. I’m not sure how I feel about how your mom addressed the situation. Language matters and I’m not sure if those would’ve helped in motivating a young child.

    Oh that story about Brian and knocking off nine of his boss’ teeth would totally have been me. And hence why I don’t play golf! 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The Brian story – I know, right? Incredible and awful. As to my mom, you’re right, my friend. Such a complicated dance as we get older and our parents do as well. My dad used to balance my mom out with his incredible positivity and she really hasn’t figured out how to re-balance in his absence. I try to understand that!

      Hope you are having a great week, Ab!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hear ya! I had the same experience with my dad and mom and in the same order as you too. And I suspect we are also seeing some of our parents qualities creep into our own mannerisms too! 🤣

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  19. Whacking a ball with a stick. That sounds like fun. Being made to feel guilty and bad that you haven’t played golf . . . that sounds horrible. I like to occasionally go driving, but I hate golf for the feeling that you have to love it. Ugh. Good for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love your comment “hate golf for the feeling that you have to love it.” Right!! I’m all for hitting the ball on occasion to but the full-life commitment is not an option! Thanks for commiserating, Brian!

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Interesting point about your mom making those comments. I’m not sure if she knew the backstory or not, but the way she said it reminds me of the many comments my mom and other family members make about me or the younger generation on my mom’s side of the family. In our case, my mom and aunts grew up in that kind of environment, some verbal abuse, where those hurtful comments were considered acceptable. Now they make similar remarks toward their kids and grandkids in a joking and sarcastic manner. Sometimes I wonder if their comments are intentional or if they just don’t realize how hurtful they can be. I’ve trained my mind to accept those comments as a lack of wisdom regarding how we feel, and I don’t get rattled anymore. But I have cousins who get really upset and sometimes even depressed when their moms make those kinds of remarks.

    I’m really sorry that event triggered a bad experience, but I think Miss O had an opportunity to see the bigger picture, and that’s really important.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, Edward. I love the way you unpack this. I think you make a good point about how families grew up with that as acceptable. I think that’s the case with my mom. I’d also say that maybe for women in her generation and before, judgment was the only power available to them. As such, I’ve accepted her charged comments as such. For the most part, that is.

      Love your point that Miss O had an opportunity to see the bigger picture. I think so too. I don’t mind opened these old wounds as long as we learn something!

      Thanks for the great comment, my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, my friend, and judgment is probably a better fit than wisdom in this case. Yeah, we get used to it, but it still hurts on occasion. Mr. D is still too young to notice those things, but Miss O is at that age where she’s starting to connect the dots. I still remember things from when I was her age.

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  22. ooh, I’m sorry to read this, interesting that your mom brought this up to your son, kind of an old passive aggressive move. I can totally see why you wouldn’t like after you described what your past experiences were like with your ex. any memory of it must have a very negative feel to it. I’m not a huge fan anyway, just played putt putt with the kids from time to time when they were little. the boss hit was a very unlikely scenario and poor Brian, how awful!

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  23. It doesn’t get much worse than hitting your boss in the mouth with a golf ball. I go out and humiliate myself about once every two years with my son because he loves to golf. Of course, I’m not perfect, but it’s all about spending time with him, especially since he lives 2,000 miles away and opportunities are limited.

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  24. Well, to start off with something positive, I love the golfing photo of you with your parents. You look very pretty in your golf outfit. As for the negative and insensitive comment your mom made to you about golf in front of your kids, I think that was unkind. Did you call her out on it privately?

    Harville Hendricks says we choose our partners according to traits we experience with our parents (imago). Caustic comments growing up on a parent’s part may have guided you to choose to marry someone with similar habits. Despite that, I would have thought she might have witnessed your former husband’s criticism of you and perhaps understood why golfing was negatively charged for you. Hope I haven’t said too much.

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    1. You make some great points, Rebecca. No, you haven’t said too much at all – I appreciate your wise insight. There probably was some similarity in my ex and much of what happened has helped me to uncover my own patterns and biases and I’m grateful.

      I didn’t call my mom out on it. You’re right – I’d think my mom would have seen and heard enough to understand my antipathy. It’s interesting because my parents balanced each other out – my dad highly positive and my mom pretty critical. Without my dad in the picture, I don’t think she’s learned to temper it and I’ve tried to be understanding about that. Families are fascinating, aren’t they?

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  25. Golf is a sport that doesn’t appeal to me at all. And I agree that it can be a bloody sport. When our girls were little, they were whacking golf balls around with their cousins. Colleen got a little overzealous swinging the club, and accidentally whacked Laura in the head. Laura and I spent the evening in the emergency room, and she still has the scar to prove it.

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  26. With all things in life, company matters. Doing something you love with the wrong person will instantly suck the fun out of it. The story of Brian accidentally hitting his boss in the face with the golf ball is CRAZY! What are the odds. So glad he was able to find work elsewhere and fast.

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    1. Ah, you nailed it, Pooja. The wrong person does suck the fun out! And Brian – so crazy!!! As Mark Twain said, “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.”

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  27. Not sure if I’m allowed to say this, but I have always disliked golf; simply because I think nature had a far better plan for the land than for it to be bulldozed and manicured for rich people to walk around and club a tiny ball. (I know, not only rich people play, but there are clubs that cater only to upper class clientele.) I’m so glad that man is your ex, I can’t imagine how hard that was to experience. You must have the patience of a saint. 💕

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    1. I agree, Rose! And the water consumption is pretty ridiculous as well.

      I’m glad he’s my ex too. Funny how our previous life experiences – even the ones we didn’t like – prepare us for the next thing. I feel reasonably confident that learning patience in that marriage has made me a better parent.

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  28. “nine teeth” How horrible! For everyone. I love your intro quote. Words to live by. My dad was an excellent golfer and although I inherited some of his skills, I don’t do it enough to be at that level. Also, they don’t seem to appreciate dancing on the greens. 🙄😄

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  29. Wow what a story about the Tooth Shot! 😱 it sounds like a golf may have been a victim of the your company while playing (parents excluded). Everything is like that for me. I can’t find myself really enjoying something. I have no interest in if I’m with the right people. I can also hate things I love if the people I’m with are 💩.

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    1. Well that’ll teach me to use talk to text without proofreading… let’s try that again…

      Wow what a story about the Tooth Shot! 😱 it sounds like golf may have been a victim of your company while playing (parents excluded). Everything is like that for me. I can find myself really enjoying something I have no interest in if I’m with the right people. I can also hate things I love if the people I’m with are 💩.

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      1. I love this comment, Todd. Yes, the company we keep matters so much. Like I didn’t have much interest in this past Super Bowl but all the great stories you told about the Eagles got me involved. Yes, surrounding ourselves with the right people is key!

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  31. I can’t imagine getting hit in the mouth by a golf ball, Wynne! Ouch! And what a story! But with your memories, I would feel the same way about the sport. Did your mom know how you felt?
    I played when I was a teen and actually won 1st place in a tournament. 🙂 But I didn’t stick with it. I got into tennis, and now hubby and I hike when we can, along with bike riding. The photo of you three is wonderful! ❤️

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    1. I know – in the mouth! Yes, I think my mom knew and if not, I’ve updated her memory.

      Good for you for 1st place – that’s impressive. But I’m with you about tennis, hiking and biking – those are so fun!! Thanks for the great comment, Lauren!

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  32. Yup, I can see why you’d still have golf PTSD after all these years! It wasn’t the game, it was the man you were sparring with.

    On another note, I once one a golf trophy… for most honest player. I was delighted, and my husband told me it wasn’t an honor that I needed to be ashamed of it, but I told him I was realistic about my abilities, and if I could win a trophy, I saw that as a win for good humor!

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      1. Hehehe, I walked all the way up to the front of the room, beaming and happy to accept my trophy! It was very cute too, a goofy golfer swinging a droopy golf club. I kept it in a pride of place location in the living-room. Hubby was embarrassed and trying to slide under the table at the awards dinner; he was a good golfer as were all his friends. I was just happy to have had a great day!

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