Transforming to Just Being

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“Nothing has a stronger influence on their children than the unlived lives of their parents.” – Carl Jung

My 2-year-old cried in the car all the way to daycare yesterday. I cried all the way back. At issue for him was that after spending 3 ½ days out of school last week and then having to have a root canal to solve the problem, it’s hard to get back to the routine. Especially because his 6-year-old sister is now staying home from school with a sore throat.  At issue for me is this is the way the last three weeks of work days have gone – X’s denote a day that one of my two kids was home (placeholders for today, tomorrow and Friday because I haven’t woken the kids up yet):

Because I’m self-employed, there are many things I’m so lucky to be able to swing because I don’t have any corporate meetings, I don’t commute and my boss understands the situation. With all that said, here’s my question – does any parent with primary parenting responsibility actually get any work done? And has any parent gotten work done since the pandemic started?

It seems from my informal small survey of two kids, that the non-Covid illnesses are way more prevalent in these days of getting back to group activities. If that’s the case, I’d suspect that this will even out over time. But I’m not sure that I will even out after two+ years of feeling like the fulcrum on which I’ve tried to create balance in my kid’s lives no matter what’s happening in the world. Here’s how that feels:

Of course this is a little tongue in cheek and you must forgive the crude artwork. But with that said, the problem is that it is sometimes hard to get some perspective from down there. It brings to mind the quote for this post from Carl Jung, “Nothing has a stronger influence on their children than the unlived lives of their parents.”

Which I take to mean that when we sacrifice any aspect of ourselves – whether for our children, our parents, our partner or anyone else in our lives, that part haunts the remaining parts of our lives if we don’t make peace with it.  In my current situation, I’m having a hard time being successful at work. And aside from the monetary ramifications, it also impacts my ability to commit to things. Who am I if I’m not someone who can set deadlines?

In this process, I’m finding out that what’s getting squashed out is my self-conception. I’m becoming someone better at just being instead of being measured by my doing. I’ve said this before so I know I’m repeating myself but this is a process of transformation, so it’s taking some time. I still like to be reliable and productive. But I’m better at rescheduling something on my work calendar if I have to without it impacting my sense of who I am.

Dr. Gerald Stein quipped in a blog comment the other day, “”I wish I would have worked more’ said no one ever on their death bed.” But there is a wide crevasse to cross to understand how to put that into practice when we are in this middle part of our lives where we are responsible. I suspect parenting is one of the bridges that might help us get a leg over.

Has your conception of work changed during the pandemic or over time? Did parenting change it?

29 thoughts on “Transforming to Just Being”

  1. As a parent blessed with six, all now grown and gone, I would offer one thought as you’re challenged with how to best prioritize your time . . .

    LOVE is a four letter word, and to a child it’s spelled TIME

    Be blessed Wynne!

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  2. Thanks for sharing, Wynne; I’m sure that many parents with be able to relate to what you’ve shared. What I learned through parenting was that we definitely do have to take time to fill up our own cup; for everyone seems to suffer if we don’t. I think that balance is very important for the childrent to learn, too, so that they don’t have the mistaken belief that this “world” experience is all about them. You’re doing an amazing job…truly!

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    1. Very kind words, Art. Thank you! Yes, I completely believe that filling my cup is essential and gratefully I’m able to do that – in part by writing and hearing the wonderful wisdom of others. Thank you!

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  3. Hang in! I remember when my daughter was the age of your kids and how she’d catch everything that went around, plus have a few things all her own! At that time my bosses weren’t very helpful or understanding, and as a mom, I found out very quickly that my husband’s job was considered to be more important than mine, so I was expected to fall on the sword all the time. Later when I became a single mom it didn’t get any better except I now was part of that awful stigmatized group of single moms who were apparently so irresponsible that we got ourselves into that predictament! Thankfully those years pass by and the kids are no longer getting every single cold or flu floating around their class! Once they get older they also get more autonomous too, so that’s a plus!

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    1. Thanks for a lovely shot of perspective and hope, Tamara. I’m sorry for the way that you had to traverse these years but am grateful that you made it through in order to give me, and a lot of others, encouragement!

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  4. This may not totally relate to the post Wynne, but it’s one of those “at my age” bits of wisdom: I have always had one perspective of my active time as both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom in regards to how I managed life and kids. I have worried and tortured myself at times but have finally asked the now adults what their perspectives of those times are. I learned I spent way too many hours stressing myself out over things the kids either never noticed; have forgotten, or were never bothered by in the first place. I wish I had realized I could let a lot go way back then.

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    1. This is so comforting to hear from someone who has been there. Thank you so much, Deb! I’m breathing a little deeper after reading your comment and really appreciate it.

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      1. Hugs Wynne. There really is no sense in beating ourselves up as moms, or letting society do it to us. Hang in there- you are raising amazing kids.

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  5. Back in the days of Ringling Brothers, we watched high-wire trapeze artists holding balance beams walk on air — sort of. They didn’t carry two squirming, energetic, tearful sick children, instead of gripping a balance beam.

    Balance is often just hanging on, always a temporary thing. For you, Wynne, George Elliot’s closing paragraph from “Middlemarch” would fit better:

    “But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts, and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.”

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    1. What a beautiful comment. I like the quote you included – but I really appreciate the sentence, “Balance is often just hanging on, always a temporary thing.” Wow – yes! Thank you, Dr. Stein!

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  6. “Just being” is rooted in self-compassion and -acceptance. I can’t think of a more valuable lesson to model for our children. Brava, Wynne! You have your priorities straight and are an exceptional role model. Big hugs 💜

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    1. What a wise connection you just made for me, Natalie. Self-compassion and acceptance. Now that you say it, it makes perfect sense. Thank you, my friend – for that and the hugs! Right back at you!

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  7. Oh Wynne, I really feel for you here and empathize. Being a single parent is so hard and stressful and with two alternating sick kids, it just piles on.

    The Carl Jung quote is so apt. It can certainly feel that way very heavily on the worst of days when it’s all about the needs of the kids and we get so little time to focus on our needs and goals. But you somehow always find a way to get through it! 🙂

    Hope the two kids are on the mend soon and that you are you time again!

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    1. And totally agree about the death bed quote by Dr Stein. I always tell myself and my colleagues when we’re having a stressful moment – will it matter a year from now? When we’re on our death beds, the things that will matter are the love and relationships we had. That always helps frame things into context!

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      1. What I find so interesting about the death bed quote is that I agree with it completely and still have trouble identifying which thing to let go today. It seems the trick is discernment. Or as you point out – asking the question at the stressful moment. May we all learn this sooner rather than later!

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      2. It’s definitely a contradiction with the philosophy to live in the here and now when we’re trying to let go of the stress we don’t have to worry about one day. Our minds can play such complex tricks on us! 😆

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    2. I love this sympathetic, upbeat and hopeful comment, Ab! You are so right – we always find a way to get through it! Thanks for the well wishes – I’m optimistic we’ll be through it soon. Hope you all are having a great week!

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  8. I certainly don’t envy you Wynne. Needing to be the fulcrum in the lives of young children is a demanding task and one that requires our full attention, which means letting go of other things in our lives, even ourselves. I can assure you it gets better. Never perfect, but better. I say this from a perspective of having older kids now. They’re independent, still I’m needed and I give myself, because time is love. You may remember the post and video I posted on that. So yes, you and your time are much needed by the little people who will grow up to be incredible adults because you gave them your time.
    P.S. I love your drawing!

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    1. What a wise and reassuring comment, Alegria! Time is love and it gets better. Both things that I needed to hear so thank you! And I’m laughing about your P.S. – thank you, my friend!

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  9. I think you should ask your boss for a big, fat raise. There’s no way SHE is going to turn YOU down!

    But seriously, I’ve felt badly for all these parents with young children throughout the pandemic. I can’t imagine how that would have played out even 10 years ago, when I was a single dad and they were still living at home. I’d probably have lost my mind.

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    1. Oh yeah – I can see that this is the perfect time to ask for raise. I think even a split personality would be able to see through that! 🙂

      I swear this is worse than when things first shut down because I have the expectation that they will be able to do their daily activities. But that is probably just lack of perspective and a poor memory for how unexpectedly weird those first days were. Oh well, we get through it all, don’t we?

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  10. This too shall pass but in the meantime it’s stressful. I just read an interesting article about all the viruses and bacterial infections that were on hiatus during the pandemic. Now that people are gathering again these diseases, that were once just nuisances, are returning and behaving in unexpected ways. Kids and adults have been much sicker than before the pandemic. The viruses aren’t different but we are! Hang in there, Wynne. There’s better days ahead. It just might take a little bit longer.

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    1. How interesting, Nancy! That sounds like what I’m seeing with my kids – it’s one thing after another and their bodies don’t know what to do.

      Thank you for the reassurance. I know we’ll get there – but wow! Hope you and Bob have a nice Memorial Day weekend!

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