The Inner Hustler

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“We drink the poison our minds pour for us and wonder why we feel so sick.” – Atticus

I woke up this morning in a sheer panic at 5am worried about money. Getting up at that time isn’t unusual but the panic is. And I wasn’t worried about money now – I was worried about money in 6 months for no particularly good reason because as a self-employed person (or maybe even an employed person), the future that far out is never possible to see.

Sitting on the meditation cushion 15 minutes later, I went diving to find the source of the panic. As I peeled back the layers, I kept stumbling on the idea that I hadn’t been working hard enough.

Taking two days off to take care of Mr. D as he’s recovered from his cough had been enough to awaken my inner hustler. And this beast was telling me I wasn’t keeping up with my hustle for self-worth.

I find it so insidious that the more work I do to meditate and be aware of my internal state, the more I sometimes have to face the things that are as natural as breathing. Hustling for self-worth being one of them. As the daughter of two parents with a strong Protestant work-ethic, I like to say that I come by my productivity panic honestly.

Sure, I have to be responsible for my little family and that means constantly juggling trade-offs and boundaries as they relate to the work I do. But managing practicalities is a completely different reality from appeasing my inner hustler – you know the one that tells me that I have to DO something to be WORTH something.

Looking for some perspective on this panic, I found this passage from The Gifts of Imperfection by researcher, professor and author Brené Brown. “We convince ourselves that if we stay busy enough and keep moving, reality won’t be able to keep up. So we stay in front of the truth about how tired and scared and confused and overwhelmed we sometimes feel. Of course, the irony is that the thing that’s wearing us down is trying to stay out in front of feeling worn down.”

The remedy that Brené prescribes for letting go productivity as self-worth is cultivating play and rest. She quotes psychiatrist, clinical researcher and author Dr. Stuart Brown, “Play helps us deal with difficulties, provides a sense of expansiveness, promotes mastery of our craft, and is an essential part of the creative process.”

Play, as in activities that have no purpose, isn’t a part of my life that I have been focusing on even though I have two very willing playmates. I count this morning’s panic as my wake-up call to incorporate more of it.

(featured photo from Pexels)

34 thoughts on “The Inner Hustler”

  1. When I retired, I felt unproductive. My uncle told me to let go – he said – you don’t need to be productive anymore. Of course that’s not completely true. I do get to choose now though a little bit more, but I still have to be productive but differently. I still have my volunteer work and I worked for a few years as a consultant for six weeks a year (paid well). Now I concentrate on enjoying each day, being healthy, spending time with my family. I look forward to the hand holding and the bike rides. My life is getting simpler.

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  2. I’ve felt that demand to be productive being forced on me since announcing I was retiring. Telling people I had no plans to do or be anything returned looks of shock. Honestly I read a number of blogs written by retirees and they are full of their unceasing need to fulfill a productivity quotient every day. It’s a topic that I find frustrating and irritating based on societal dictates that we become less as we age, and that we don’t have purpose without filling every hour with activities and or actual work. They have gone from one long-term “job” right into the job of being acceptably old. *That was a bit of a rant, sorry Wynne, but the topic is something that has been smacking me in the face for months now-just one of the many ways aging is marginalized and devalued in American society.

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    1. Well, if that was a rant, it is quite eloquent, well thought-out and packed with truth, Deb! I think you are right that it’s not only me that needs to learn how to play – but our whole society would be better off if we let go of productivity as self-worth. If the research of Stuart Brown is correct, it would foster a lot more meaning, creativity and depth! Sorry that this is smacking you in the face but I hope as you work through it, we get to continue to benefit from your wisdom!

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  3. In the “first” world, we are bombarded with the made-up necessity of perpetual “accomplishment.” Freeing ourselves for even a little while is a job well done. Good job, Wynne!

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  4. An excellent reminder Wynne to feel the joy everyday in simple moments of purposeless play. Though we believe those moments have no purpose, their purpose is to centre us towards balance. Holding balance in this complicated modern life where responsibilities reign supreme isn’t easy, but as you say, letting go is so important.
    I hope today you will let go for just a few minutes and enjoy immersive playfulness with your littles.
    Your inner hustler is always there, but letting out your inner child occasionally is pure joy. 💕🌸

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  5. Productivity panic? Where would our society be without all the unpaid labor of women and mothers in taking care of the home, children, and others in our family? Don’t sell yourself short, Wynne. Taking care of your sick son is necessary work.

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    1. Oh, Rosaliene – thank you for this wonderful reminder! I couldn’t agree with you more. Spending the last two days with my toddler sitting on me, next to me or holding my hand for most of the days just created a different kind of stillness than I’m used to!

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  6. I never feel like I’m allowed to play until all the chores are done– and they never are. As a reformed perfectionist, I still stumble back into old ways of thinking. I hope you get to play more. Brene wants you to, you know?

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  7. Thank you for sharing so openly, Wynne. For what it’s worth, I think–truly believe–that you have the battle more than half way won! Why? Because you’ve spotted the hustler, that devious little “voice in the head” that would have us believe its stories.

    Mine might have me try to focus on loneliness, or stories related to what the little “i” is going to do this summer. When those stories attempt to make themselves real, I become still and center in I Amness–knowingly. The story usually stops spinning fairly quickly.

    You’ve got this! I believe in YOU!

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    1. Thank you, Art! I agree – that spotting the hustler is more than half the battle. But since he reappears from time to time, I believe that sharing openly is another way to banish him for myself and perhaps for others who relate to the feeling. Thanks for sharing the details of where his storyline pops up for you!

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  8. This is one of my favorite quotations and something I try to remind myself of regularly. I spent far too many years poisoning myself. Brown’s assertion that we mistakenly equate productivity and staying busy with being worthy is spot on too. Here’s to playful self-worth 😁

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    1. Playful self-worth – wow, Natalie, you truly have a knack for packaging up ideas into portable phrases! Yes – here’s to that and only drinking sustaining liquids from here on out! 🙂 ❤

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  9. I’m sorry for the panic that you felt but totally understandable!

    I get your point around productivity anxiety. I used to have the mindset that I need to fill my schedule with meetings, etc. Now I appreciate a balance, creating time and space in the work day to breathe, for reflection, for strategic thinking rather than tactical, to reach out to colleagues and to create space for learning.

    Hope the rest of your day went better and here’s to a sounder sleep tonight!

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    1. I really appreciate your comment, Ab. Especially the point you make about strategic thinking over tactical thinking. I’m sure your colleagues appreciate the expansiveness you have created for yourself and as a result for them as well! I love the balance you have found and express so well!

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  10. You do your parents proud; you definitely exhibit strong signs of a Protestant work ethic, Wynne! Writing one or more carefully thought out and well-crafted blog posts every day on top of raising two small children -and, oh yes, working – is a very full plate. You’ve identified another example of the “you can have it all, but not necessarily at the same time” reality! Play for play’s sake really is important (including just doing nothing at all), but you’re going to have to figure out what you’re going to put to one side to allow that to happen. 😊

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    1. Thank you, Jane! On one hand, you are right that I can’t have it all. But I think I can incorporate more play into my parenting. That might mean that more dishes sit in the sink til later but I think some of these things aren’t discrete categories and can be combined. Play being one of them. As is writing and reading – which benefits my heart greatly! Especially in the thoughtful discussions I have with people like you that do remind me of both limitations and opportunities to think differently!

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  11. I wish that WordPress had a ‘love’ bottom because if so, I’d be sure to push it for this one. I love it from the opening quote right down to your willingness to do such intense inner work and share it for the benefit of others. Bless you for that Wynne. I was thinking about you just yesterday and wondering how in the world you manage to raise two children, write a blog post or two every single day, respond to all of the comments, and work to earn a living to support yourself and your two little ones. Any one of those three things seems to me nearly a full time job in and of itself. Jane is right. You do your Protestant parents proud.

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Julia! If there was a love button on this comment, I’d select it.

      I appreciate your “seeing” me. But I have a few secrets – first I work for myself so there’s no corporate meetings or other overhead that comes from making sure the machine is working. I don’t commute. I don’t have a partner so I don’t have to make time to maintain a relationship (which I mean in the most positive way but it does take time). And I’ve mostly given up cooking. If you add up those items, I think you’ll find my secret and I’m guessing that you as a corporate woman who’s been married know what I mean. 🙂

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  12. We convince ourselves that if we stay busy enough and keep moving, reality won’t be able to keep up.

    That’s a great quote, because once upon I time I lived and breathed that philosophy. I worked for a company where layoffs were rampant. I figured they couldn’t fire me if they couldn’t find me, so I was forever on the move whenever my boss approached my cubicle. I’d duck into the bathroom, trot downstairs to the conference room, hide out in the warehouse. This worked for a while, but one day I let my guard down and he cornered me at my desk. The march down to HR took a lifetime. Sure enough, I was informed my position was being eliminated.

    Turns out I was right to have been paranoid!

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    1. What an example of literally keeping moving! I infer from your comment that you moved on from that philosophy – I’m grateful it all worked out for you so that we could all hear the story.

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      1. Yep, lol. I’ve definitely moved on to bigger and better things since then. Losing my job was a good thing because it gave me a shove! Though being unemployed and a single dad for almost TWO YEARS was not fun.

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  14. I’m reading posts tagged with “Brené Brown,” looking for a little bit of soul food. Reading this affirms something that I was contemplating last night, which was the idea that my dancing in the wee hours–starting late last year–may have been more important to recent healing than I understood.

    Reading this, I’m sure that intuition is right. That dancing was a rare thing I did for its own sake. Not only did I not spontaneously combust (which part of me figured as a possible outcome), I … enjoyef myself in ways that felt filling in ways so then-unfamiliar.

    I am so grateful for Brown, and the clinician who “prescribed” me her Netflix special. I have been on a different, kinder path since, and reading this post is such a good reminder of all that beauty.

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    1. What a deep and lovely comment, Deborah! I’m smiling about the spontaneous combustion — but I can relate to the feeling like we might break the mold if we bend too much from our usual routines. I love your idea of dancing in the dark and that you’ve been searching out Brene Brown.

      Her writing on vulnerability and the “gift of imperfection” has really shifted my thinking in more ways that I can count. I think it’s amazing what happens when someone shares their research and stories and it frees all of us up to do more of the same.

      Thank you for reading – and for this lovely and deep comment!

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