The Peak-End Rule

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“All’s well that ends well.” – William Shakespeare

On our way home from the airport after 9.5 hours of traveling, my kids broke into a scrum. Mr. D was saying, “This is not our car. This is not a Toyota!” and Miss O had discovered on the trip that giggling softly when he talks is a truly effective way to make Mr. D mad. After doing so well on all the different legs of our journey including all the waiting when our plane was delayed, we were at risk for falling apart.

It made me think of the research of Daniel Kahneman, psychologist, behavioral economist and author of Thinking, Fast and Slow who found the way that we remember both painful and pleasureful experiences as defined by the peak moment and the end moment. So, if we are getting a painful medical procedure, we’ll generally not remember how it felt all the way through, just how it felt at the end and at its most intense. Research bears this out for positive experiences as well.

Applying this to life, it made me think of my relationship with my ex-husband. Over 8 years of marriage, we laughed a lot. In fact, that was probably what we did best. But I have a hard time remembering that because I most often think of the moment my business partner told me of my exes infidelities and I not only had to deal with that in my personal life but also walk into work the next business day and face all the people I worked with who knew. And I think of the end of the marriage, when no amount of talking could overcome the defenses we’d built.

Now, a dozen years later with the remove of time and healing, I strain to think of the fun times and I honestly can’t. I come back to the peak moment and the end moment.

Conversely when I think of every mountain I’ve ever climbed, even though I know it was a lot of hard work, what I picture is the summit and having beers with friends at the end. The peak-end rule as applied to fun stuff is capable of filtering out a lot of discomfort.

Not wanting the same rule of memory to apply to our very enjoyable recent vacation, I sat in the car trying to think of how to turn around these last moments when we were all tired and past our limits. But the kids did it for me when they started singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight from the Lion King and we bopped along to wim-o-weh. I needn’t have worried – it felt so good to be home, we all ended on a good note!

31 thoughts on “The Peak-End Rule”

  1. Good endings are important! I noticed in my own family that when we get closer to arriving home we focus our thoughts on that and often forget to eat to take care of our blood sugar, so we can get a bunch of “hangry” people! The premise is “we’ll eat at home”, but lately we’ve been trying to be aware that even eating a little snack gives us the last burst of energy to finish up on a good note!

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    1. Oh, that’s insightful about the eating. I hadn’t thought of that, Tamara but you’re right that in the midst of figuring out logistics of getting bags and picking up cars, that’s an important thing to check too!

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      1. Lol! We have low blood sugar so that’s something that affects my family! Glad to offer up a possible solution!

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  2. I like your awareness of the situation and what that means down the road. saved by the kids…love it when that happens. I remember leading groups of teenagers on (6 day, 60 mile, 35 portage) wilderness canoe trips. I often had parents tell me (in confidence) “make it hard so they remember it fondly”. They were always the ones who spoke from memory. The same kids who cried the most usually were first to sign up the following year (built in leadership).

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    1. Wow, what amazing and character building trips those canoe trips must have been. I have a friend who has done some canoe/portage trips in MN and those are hard. Bless you for leading those. I love your affirmation of how the experience turned out for those kids. Wonderful!

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  4. I would have been having a meltdown alongside your kids crankiness by that point. Your little ones are learning how to be capable humans with all the examples you share.

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  5. I know that battle all too well lady. . . resurrecting fond memories to the present in an endeavor to bury past hurts is a temporary restoration of calm at best. However, I’ve learned to ‘short circuit’ that technique to the forever “All’s well that ends well” future assurance awaiting us:

    “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things have passed away.” – Rev.21:4
    +
    All His best for you and your two little precious future time capsules is yet to come . . . Keep Looking Up ^

    Welcome home Wynne!

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  6. I would have been right there with you trying to figure out how to end on a positive note. Ahhh…the kids to the rescue! Glad they figured it out. All’s well that ends well.

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  7. We are all tougher than we really realize. You went a horrible period of betrayal but you moved forward. Children are gifted to live in the moment, mostly. I challenged my kids, and a couple of their friends (when they were teens) to climb Giants Head mountain with me on Christmas eve. No snow that year, on the bottom. It’s a hour walk and I wanted to spend time with them so I promised them they could play their music in the car as loud as they want on the way and likely some food thing. All I really remember is how cold it was especially when we were walking in over a foot of snow the last half. I eventually had to convince them that we had gone far enough and they won the challenge. I had a smile in my face as they blasted their music and sang along in the back seat all the way home. – Thanks for reminding me of that day Wynne. ♥

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  8. Amazing how your kids turned around the bad ending to a wonderful vacation. I’ve also forgotten the good times my ex and I shared after the break-up. The peak-end rule does have its exceptions.

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  9. A very wise lesson Wynne and how awesome that you tried to create that positive peak and end moment for Miss O and Mr D. And how even more awesome that they did for themselves on their own. Now that’s really remarkable parenting!

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  10. First, I just want to say that I continue to be impressed with your thoughtful and reflective parenting style! Those are some lucky kids. And second, wim-o-weh, o-wim-o-weh… I will have this song stuck in my head ALL day! 🙂

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    1. Oops – sorry about that, Grace! But it is a good one at least. It seems like one kid song or another is always running through my head.

      And thank you for the lovely compliment! I was tired and a little flat footed by the end of the travels back so I’m glad it all worked out!

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  11. Yikes. You’ve alluded to your divorce but I never really knew the details. What a bitter pill to swallow. And I agree: I was married for almost 14 years the first time, and surely we had many good times together, but all I remember is the bitch she turned into in the end…complete with infidelities of her own.

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    1. Isn’t it funny how that memory works? I’m sorry you had to go through it too but I love hearing how wonderful it is for you and Tara – gives me a lot of inspiration!

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  12. The vacation’s end was a fitting cap. Some day, perhaps, the children will start a story with, “Remember when…” Perhaps even the same story many times over.

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  13. What a lovely ending to a lovely vacation story. It just proves that when left to our own devices, our inner wisdom will always manage to help us find our own way home.

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