Self-care

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“Sleep is the best meditation.” – Buddha

I had a moment this week when I felt unappreciated. In my exhaustion from the endless loads of laundry, the sudden need for spot cleaning and the excessive attentiveness that comes with potty training, I was running at 100% and no one seemed to notice. The way I remember it, my 6-year-old daughter asked me to get her something right after I sat down and my internal dialogue whined, “Can’t she see how hard I’ve been working?”

And then I had the inclination to be elusive, enigmatic and mysterious so that those around me would seek me out. Funny because I have never embodied mystery in my 52 years but somehow it seems viable as a strategy when I’m feeling tender. As if somehow retreating will make me feel more seen.

It’s a silly idea but thankfully I finally have come to have some sympathy for myself at this age. That I can recognize that as I sign that I need some self-care instead of calling it stupid or just powering through it is progress in my friendship with myself.

But the inclination to hide when I am exhausted and feeling unseen reminds me of something I heard in a podcast with Dr. Laurie Santos. She teaches the “Psychology of the Good Life” course at Yale which she described as:

“Evidence based strategies students can use to feel better. The problem is that it’s hard because our minds lie to us – like negative emotion, run away [from it]. Our minds lie to us about the kinds of things we are going to enjoy. When I’ve had an exhausting day, I just want to plop down and watch Netflix and never get off the couch. My mind doesn’t say, ‘Hey why don’t you go for a hard workout or why don’t you call a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time?’ The point is that we have intuitions about the kinds of things we need to do to promote our mental health and the kinds of things we need to do to live a happy life but often times those intuitions are wrong. They [the intuitions] are like – change your circumstances, get a lot of money, succeed, succeed, succeed at all costs. In practice those intuitions are leading us astray. We are putting in the work to become happier. But we are doing it wrong.”

And what are some of the right things that Dr. Santos has found that she has to remind the students in the course? To eat well and sleep.

And eating well and sleeping is what I’ve found cures my inner whine at least 98% of the time. I’m grateful that I can be friends with my mind. Even though I’ve learned not to listen to what it suggests, it often is telling me to take care of something and I appreciate that.

26 thoughts on “Self-care”

  1. I find in my situation as a caregiver for my husband, self care isn’t an option it’s a necessity. When I forget that important truth, my “inner whine” can rear its ugly head. But at the same time it’s a clue that I need to address my own needs again. Good stuff. Thank you Wynne.

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    1. I love how you affirm that self-care isn’t an option – but a necessity! Yes, we can’t just keep going, digging deep or powering through. We have to put on our own oxygen masks so that we can help others with theirs! Thank you, Nancy!

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  3. My kids were my everything and I can remember “doing it all” for them. When the grands were younger it was the same story, even when I worked I tried to be an almost full time presence in their lives. Then divorce, and the need to actually think about myself, and earn money at the same time left less time for them and a greater pull toward my own self care. I could write books on the conflict grandparents face at a time in their lives that they want and need “me time” versus the wants and expectations placed upon them by family, both young and old.

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    1. Wow, what an interesting comment, Deb. Perhaps you should write a book on that. You set up so clearly the difficulty to balance individual needs and family life at different stages of life. It’s so tough!

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      1. There are so many posts that I want to write, but when you have a mama to the grands who reads your blog and you often times likely sound critical of their parenting choices you decide not to write those posts…

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  4. I’m very sorry for the challenging week that you’ve had, Wynne. 😔 But I’m glad you recognize and are using self care to recharge and wash the whine away.

    I agree with you the good ample asleep and good eating are really the best way to self care.

    And I know how you feel about feeling under-appreciated. I know that you know that it’s cuz your kids are young. Rest assured, when they are older, all the love you poured in will be returned in spades of appreciation!

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    1. I’m laughing about “wash the whine away.” Well put, my friend!

      Yes, feeling under-appreciated does seem to come with the territory of young kids. And it doesn’t usually bother me – until I get overly tired. Please God may I live long enough to feel their appreciation… 🙂

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  5. This brings back memories of parenting in my 30s and 40s with a challenging job outside the home. I don’t know how I did it. Pushing beyond my natural introversion for so many decades, TV was an easy escape for me time, even when I felt exhausted and needed sleep. It still can be. Thanks for reinforcing my thoughts on going to bed early tonight. 🙂 Oh, and now that my kids are 28 and 35, they’re appreciating me more.

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    1. I love hearing that your kids are appreciating you! And I’m sure how you did it was motivated by sheer love.

      It’s so funny how hard it is to get up from the chair and go to bed early. Glad it’s not just me. 😀 Hope you get some good sleep!

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  7. Good for you for recognizing the need for self-care. At my age and stage of life (beyond little ones, beyond working), I need to guard against the temptation to allow self-care to become excessive! Naps and snacks can rule the day, if I am not careful! Does the quest for balance never end? Still working on it . . . stay tuned!

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    1. I’m so glad that you are going to solve this and report back in, Julia! Although I’d say since you just published a book, perhaps a little rest is well-deserved!

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  8. A bar of chocolate works wonders! Truth be told, self-care, moments of unwinding and indulging in sweet-nothings can make us feel so much better and we all need that space to just relax.

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