“To lose balance, sometimes, for love, is part of living a balanced life.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

On Monday my son had a terrible day, he was still not feeling well from a bug he picked up at the beach. But my daughter had a fantastic day going to a camp hosted by her teacher from last year laughing and playing with all the classmates that she didn’t get enough time together in-person with this school year. I felt like I usually do, a fulcrum, trying to balance between the two or more often, being tipped to the side of the lowest mood. As I wondered to myself how to harden my heart so as not to be influenced by the state of my loved ones, I laughed out loud at my query. Harden my heart?

My perception is that when I’m alone, I float along pretty evenly in a mostly happy state. Even if that isn’t an accurate reflection of life alone, a time I can barely remember being that it’s been almost six years since that’s been the case, life without any ups and downs had no markers by which I can tag one way or the other. Going along evenly means I can’t really recall anything momentous. But now, with the ups and downs of my kids affecting me deeply, I am so grateful for an easy and happy hour. I also remember them –like the morning this week when we were all on my bed and the kids taking turns falling over, bouncing so hard on the mattress that they popped almost halfway back up and laughing at each other. The tumult of this time with my little family all riding the waves in one boat means that I’m constantly being drawn back to this moment and the feeling of now.

When I sit on my cushion and try to meditate, the practice is to continually bring myself back to the current moment, to bring awareness to now, to stop the mind from perseverating on the constant lists of what else to do and where else to be. Over and over I do this and then try to lean into whatever I’m feeling, good or bad until those distinctions melt away. The practice deepens the awareness of what I’m experiencing right now but loosens the attachments that I place on whether I like it or not. In some ways, parenting is calling me to do the same practice. Show up in this moment, lean in to whatever the feeling is and let go of any judgment of whether I like it or not. In other words, my kids are making me a spiritual guru!

But I still daydream of the easy days when it was just me and my dog bouncing along on that every-present golden retriever enthusiasm. Even then I remember the racking grief that came at the end of his beautiful life. There are no ups without downs. I’m not going to harden my heart because that means missing the ups. It’s a messy life now but I love it.