Airing the Wounds Out

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“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” – Winston Churchill

My kids and I spent the weekend with my brother and sister-in-law. Sitting around their semi-circular teak dining room table with a padded bench seat, I was reminded about a conversation we had there about a year ago.

“My mom said I should go find another mom,” My daughter said to my brother and sister-in-law. It was all I could do to not explain but because they are wise, they teased out the story from her. She was having a fit that seemed to be part of what came with being four because I wouldn’t let her do something. It had been going on for a while (it seemed like a fifteen minutes although it was probably five) and she said, “I’m going to find a new mommy, a nice one.” and I said, “Go!”

In the months after it happened she kept bringing it up and part of me died in shame whenever she did. She’d mentioned it a few times to just me and I’d apologized profusely. “I said something that I shouldn’t have because I was angry and frustrated, Sweetie” I said over and over again but then it came up again with two of her most trusted other adults. I sat there listening and they talked through it.

Listening quietly to that unfold was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But love did two things as I watched. It held me silent, knowing that unpacking the hurt for my daughter was far more important than defending myself. And I also felt held by the love of my brother and sister-in-law. I could trust that they know me well enough to know my strengths and weaknesses and all the care I put in between.

In the year since that conversation, my daughter has never brought up that comment again. My silence allowed my daughter to talk about her hurt without it being compounded by feeling ashamed to talk about it. In addition to eating great meals of delicious food, there are so many things we’ve done at that table in my brother’s living room – colored pictures, worked on crosswords, celebrated birthdays, had long conversations about life, reviewed the fun of the day. But now I add to that list – relaxed into our imperfections and healed mistakes.

14 thoughts on “Airing the Wounds Out”

  1. Reblogged this on Surprised By Joy and commented:

    Something that I did right the other day when my kids had a melt down reminded me of this time when I got it wrong. I’m so grateful that life gives us opportunities to learn — and to heal when we don’t get it right.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hi Wynne,

    I could feel the remorse in the sentence in which you described how you felt after the incident; but I hope you will trust that the universe got it “just right” when it nudged you to have children. Your children and you are learning valuable lessons together, in the midst of joy and the painful incidents that are bound to occur in family life. I don’t know one parent who could honestly say, “I am perfect; I have never reacted when I have been tired, overworked, or yearning for some ‘me’ time.” From my humble persective, you and your children are very fortunate. As for my lessons/mistakes as a parent, I’m trusting that a Power much greater than “i” is leading my children and me through our needed lessons.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m laughing, Art. No, I don’t know of any parent (or partner or friend) that could or would say they are perfect. And I agree – we are lucky to have each other and are being led through the lessons we needed to learn and grow stronger! Thanks for the kind and compassionate comment!

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    1. This is such an insightful comment, EW. It is SOO hard to sit and listen, isn’t it? Argh! I can’t say that I always or even usually manage it — but I did manage it this time thankfully! 🙂 ❤

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  4. I think your post is important, Wynne. Confidence and acceptance play into the surrendering of the desire to rebut every criticism. Anger must be set aside, too. If you believe in yourself enough to tolerate the inevitable accusations of others, you can end conflicts just by listening and knowing some fight as not worth having, and pyrrhic victories are not worth the cost.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’ve made me see this from a new angle – confidence and acceptance. That’s so interesting! I’m going to think about that beautiful perspective as I go about the day. Thank you. Dr. Stein!

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  6. Oh, one of those parenting moments we relive with shame. I have many of those. They’re the worst. I’m so glad you found good in it–the lesson of letting her talk through it, as you so articulately explained. One day, when you’re a grandmother, you’ll find the need to relay that story and lesson to Miss O. It will be a powerful moment for you both, I’m sure.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh wow, you just blew my mind by expanding out the perspective! In that case, I’m glad I wrote this story down even as hard as it was to do! Thanks for being such a nice friend to let me air out my moments of shame… ❤

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  7. Pingback: The Confidence to Be Wrong – Surprised By Joy

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